Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Ozzie Guillen to Marlins
Bogus Bands, Part 1: Filmshow (the fake one, not the real one I was in)
PROLOGUE
It is Wednesday, May 24, 2000. The spring sun is slowly setting on a warm night in Rochester, New York. Five young men, who spend their free time playing in a rock band called Filmshow, are waiting anxiously backstage prior to performing their debut gig at one of the city's favorite venues, Water Street Music Hall. It isn't often that they play live in front of an audience, so the band feels some self-imposed pressure begin to take hold.
Dave asks them to just line up together in front of the concert hall's brick rear wall; it's a suitable backdrop for a quick pic. He asks the guys to move closer so they're all in frame. Closer. No really guys, closer. Ok, that's fine.
CLICK.
CLICK.
CLICK.
Three snaps and it's over.
The restless band head back inside. SHOWTIME. They climb the stairs to the stage with anticipation, donning their instruments with shaky hands. And off they go...
Their performance at the start is solid, uneventful, workmanlike. They gradually loosen up and have fun, and the audience of friends and music scene regulars register their approval with warm applause and the odd hoot. After their set, the band exhale and head into the crowd, exhilarated yet relieved. The post-performance drinks begin to flow. It's been a good night.
A few days later, the promoter's website posts some raw video footage from Filmshow's set, along with the "best" of the three promo photos taken before the set.
When the band sees the photo, they cringe. And shrug. And laugh. And some absurd ideas are born.
- -
CHAPTER ONE: WTF?
Below, you see a fake advertisement, for a fake record, by a fake late-1970s band called Filmshow. Confusingly, it is based on a picture of my real early-2000s band, also named Filmshow. Why we didn't create a new name for this bogus band, I have no idea.
I can assure you that the description and appearance bear almost no resemblance to the real Filmshow. This ad was cooked up by me, our drummer Joe, and someone else (one of the other band members, or possibly Joe's cousin Adam, I can't remember who) when we were bored one evening in Summer 2000. We thought the original pic was full of so many rock cliches (brick wall! pouty faces!) that we decided to make fun of ourselves. Simple as that.
Let's break down the photo, from top to bottom...
CHAPTER TWO: THE BAND MEMBERS (L-R)
- Johnny "Sticks" Wilson: a play on the fact that his "real" identity is that of our drummer Joe ("Sticks" = "drumsticks"), but in my mind, the name was more a cross between this guy and this guy (hence the fish sticks joke in the fake Filmshow timeline...wait, I'm getting ahead of myself). The hard-to-read "STUD" graphic on his shirt was our idea of what a rock hero with white trash roots would think was cool. Too bad the lettering is wimpy as hell, thus deflating the joke.
- Jackie Daniels: not much of a surprise where that came from (and clearly, lots and lots of others have associated that brand of whiskey with rock 'n' roll). He's played by our keyboardist James (who actually did have long hair; we just changed the color and softened his facial features to give him a more feminine appearance. You're welcome, James). And of course, "howlin' mad whiskey vocals" is an obvious nod to this guy.
- Timmy "Noggin" McGillicudy [sic]: we goofed here. The more common spelling is "McGillicuddy," but since we screwed that up in the photo, I let it remain consistent throughout the written piece (again, I'm getting ahead of myself). The character, played by our singer Matt, has a name that references Matt's Irish heritage, as well as his father's first name (great guy, by the way). The "Noggin" nickname only came about because Joe and I got careless with Photoshop and accidentally gave Matt a receding hairline. The joke, like the character's hair, was pretty thin, and it all went downhill from there.
Below, you see a fake advertisement, for a fake record, by a fake late-1970s band called Filmshow. Confusingly, it is based on a picture of my real early-2000s band, also named Filmshow. Why we didn't create a new name for this bogus band, I have no idea.
I can assure you that the description and appearance bear almost no resemblance to the real Filmshow. This ad was cooked up by me, our drummer Joe, and someone else (one of the other band members, or possibly Joe's cousin Adam, I can't remember who) when we were bored one evening in Summer 2000. We thought the original pic was full of so many rock cliches (brick wall! pouty faces!) that we decided to make fun of ourselves. Simple as that.
Let's break down the photo, from top to bottom...
CHAPTER TWO: THE BAND MEMBERS (L-R)
- Johnny "Sticks" Wilson: a play on the fact that his "real" identity is that of our drummer Joe ("Sticks" = "drumsticks"), but in my mind, the name was more a cross between this guy and this guy (hence the fish sticks joke in the fake Filmshow timeline...wait, I'm getting ahead of myself). The hard-to-read "STUD" graphic on his shirt was our idea of what a rock hero with white trash roots would think was cool. Too bad the lettering is wimpy as hell, thus deflating the joke.
- Jackie Daniels: not much of a surprise where that came from (and clearly, lots and lots of others have associated that brand of whiskey with rock 'n' roll). He's played by our keyboardist James (who actually did have long hair; we just changed the color and softened his facial features to give him a more feminine appearance. You're welcome, James). And of course, "howlin' mad whiskey vocals" is an obvious nod to this guy.
- Timmy "Noggin" McGillicudy [sic]: we goofed here. The more common spelling is "McGillicuddy," but since we screwed that up in the photo, I let it remain consistent throughout the written piece (again, I'm getting ahead of myself). The character, played by our singer Matt, has a name that references Matt's Irish heritage, as well as his father's first name (great guy, by the way). The "Noggin" nickname only came about because Joe and I got careless with Photoshop and accidentally gave Matt a receding hairline. The joke, like the character's hair, was pretty thin, and it all went downhill from there.
We decided that unlike Matt, this guy was a bit of a dope, so in a moment of inspired immaturity, we gave him two lit cigarettes to demonstrate 1) his lack of short term memory; and 2) his devotion to the sponsor whose logo he proudly wears on his shirt. Oh yeah, "big bottom drums" is a blatant anachronism, because if this poster were really from 1979, they'd have no knowledge of Spinal Tap (1984).
- Stevie Thunder: well, duh. But to be fair, seeing as this character is a bassist, he's also descended from the God of Thunder. The detail on Thunder's jacket pocket is a reverse Mudflap girl. And, oh yeah, that's actually me underneath the fake mullet and badly drawn beard.
- Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco [sic, again]: man, were we careless. His middle name should be "DiGiovanni," with no apostrophe (what can I say, this was all created pre-Google). As with the McGillicudy misspell, this one stands. Rocco is actually our bass player, Brian. The "XXX" isn't just for sex, it's for moonshine; a vague reference to Brian's occasional homemade beer brewing hobby.
CHAPTER THREE: THE SONGS
I imagined that these guys would have been big Bruce Springsteen and Bob Seger fans, but they lacked the talent to reach those artists' heights (kind of like the real Filmshow; the fake Filmshow is really just an avatar for us, if we had been born 20 years earlier, listened to hard rock, and actually got signed to a major label). The fake Filmshow's music would have probably come off sounding more like a combination of Brownsville Station's "Smokin' In The Boys Room" (the original -- Motley Crue's version was a cover) and this Ian Hunter song (later covered by Great White).
(Side note: interesting how hair metal bands of the 1980s went through a phase of recording covers of 1970s "party rock" anthems; they were most likely songs they grew up with. See also Slade's "Cum On Feel The Noize," which most kids my age thought was a Quiet Riot original, though it could be argued that this Oasis performance bests them both).
Some of the fake song titles came from email exchanges with my friend and sometime musical cohort Jonathan Bakert (more -- much, much more -- on him in a future post). Pretty sure that "Teacher Don't Rock" and "You Took (Your Love), Rock" were Jon's creations; "Rock 'Til We're Blue," "(Let's Make This Town a) Rockin' Town," and "She Said (Rock Don't Pay The Bills)" bear my writing style. Redundant and/or incorrectly used parentheses in rock songs were a minor recurring joke for us at that time.
CHAPTER FOUR: OTHER INFO
"Gunther Smythe-Nevins" is a nonsensical, vaguely Anglo-Germanic name that suggested "music biz veteran," with a dash of European cool. I figured that in real life, Columbia Records would really have sent a big-time, disciplined producer to corral a bunch of talented (or talentless?) goofballs from rural America into making a commercial pop-rock record, and thus secure their investment in the band.
GFI Studios is a real studio in Rochester, NY (not Burbank, CA) where the real Filmshow (aka us) actually recorded a few sessions. Nice place.
"8-Track Cartridges" -- the specific language here (rather than "8-Track Tapes") was suggested by my friend and 70s music enthusiast, Ian Maginnis. Thankfully, at least one sentence in the ad is authentic.
ASCAP? I think we thought at the time that it was a legal thing. We had no idea what the hell we were talking about.
In the real world, one of the bands that we, aka the real Filmshow (see how stupid this is getting!? Why didn't we give the fake band a different goddamn name!) played with that night, FM Green, has a neat timeline of their shows posted online (scroll to the bottom of the page for our date). It was the only reference to this concert I could find online.
- -
EPILOGUE
We passed the finished pic around via email, and got enough of a laugh out of it, that my fevered mind went into overdrive and began to flesh out the fake Filmshow's backstory. Result: the timeline you'll read further along in this post.
The timeline was written in August 2000, when I was 22. Most of it is enthusiastic but immature, and in places, I blatantly created bad rewrites of other well-known parodies. I'll leave that to you to decipher.
Also, as you read the timeline, note that the Daniels and Thunder characters are using stage names, rather than their given names (Christopher Hauptmann and Mieczyslaw Krzyzewski, respectively). This was a dig at the old showbiz practice of forcing up-and-coming talent to change their names to something more exciting or less ethnic, according to standards of the day. I retained Santirocco's birth name as an exception to this rule, though the mention of his uncle is something I'll elaborate upon in a future post.
So, there you have it. A phony, funny ad for a non-existent rock band, and now, my (insanely juvenile) bonus presentation: Filmshow, The Timeline (1977-1997). Enjoy(?).
----------------------------------------------------------
APPENDIX
Filmshow: The Timeline (1977-1997)
February 1977
Filmshow form in Hathaway Beach, Florida. Lineup consists of singer Jackie Daniels (real name Christopher Hauptmann); guitarist Johnny “Sticks” Wilson (nicknamed not because of drumming abilities, but because he hailed from “the sticks”); bassist Stevie Thunder (real name Mieczyslaw Krzyzewski); pianist Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco (nephew of rock manager Rock St. Rock); and drummer Richard Spangler Jr. Begin writing songs and gigging earnestly around Florida.
October 1977
Filmshow fire drummer Richard Spangler Jr. due to his lack of “party skills.” Replaced by Timmy “Noggin” McGillicudy, formerly drummer in Boston-based prog-rock group The Merry Men. McGillicudy nicknamed because of permanent forehead inflammation which resulted from vast helium intake as teenager. McGillicudy is younger brother of acclaimed jazz saxophonist James Cartwright Gill (born Seamus Patrick McGillicudy).
April 1978
After months of intense gigging in the southeastern United States, Filmshow are noticed by Dallas music promoter Van Harper. Agrees to listen to their 4-song demo, She Said No! and promises to send copies to various rock DJs around the South. Instead, he passes on Filmshow in favor of taking role as Andy Gibb’s American tour manager. Harper struck by lightning at Doobie Brothers concert in Houston later that year.
July 1978
Filmshow sign a two-album deal with Columbia Records after their performance at a Miami radio station-sponsored festival. Filmshow nearly botch meeting when a severely hungover Johnny “Sticks” Wilson vomits on Columbia A&R rep in a crowded coffee bar.
September 1978
Filmshow begin first cross-country tour of North America. Stevie Thunder arrested for possession of Quaaludes at United States-Canadian border, which forces band to cancel all 8 Canadian concerts.
October 1978
Filmshow play the famed CBGB’s in New York City. Among those in attendance include Joey Ramone, Debbie Harry and David Byrne. Filmshow described by Byrne post-gig as “shitty.”
December 1978
Sessions for the first Filmshow record hit a wall, when after 5 weeks of recording in Burbank, California, pianist Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco disappears with a surfboard to “find” himself. Santirocco quickly finds himself…penniless on the street with no clothes. Santirocco returns to the group to complete the album.
March 1979
Filmshow’s debut LP Rock ‘til We’re Blue…Vol. 1 hits stores nationwide, and is released soon after in the UK, Europe and Japan. Despite near-universal panning by music critics and scholars, it goes on to sell 4 million copies worldwide over the next year.
May 1979
Filmshow face lifetime ban from NBC television network after a controversial performance on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, during which Jackie Daniels exposes genitals to television and home-viewing audience, while simulating sex with microphone stand as the band perform “(Let’s Make This Town A) Rockin’ Town.”
June 1979
“(Let’s Make This Town A) Rockin’ Town” rockets to Number Three on the Billboard singles chart, in spite of (or perhaps because of) the Tonight Show performance.
November 1979
Filmshow world tour ends in turmoil as a cocaine-addled Stevie Thunder quits the group to start a New Wave-tinged solo career. Jackie Daniels leaves the next day, and forms hard rock outfit Silver Midnight in the following weeks. The group hastily records their first record.
February 1980
Silver Midnight’s North American tour begins. Two weeks into the tour, the band’s debut LP Hammer On Rye is released. The album is greeted with widespread apathy, as the public discovers the album (contrary to the band’s metal-edged live shows) sounds exactly like a wimpy bastard child of The Eagles and Foreigner.
March 1980
Wilson, Santirocco and McGillicudy reconvene and head out on the road to perform acoustic versions of Filmshow’s hits, with all three taking over lead vocals. Filmshow respond to poor ticket sales by introducing 35-minute Medieval-influenced folk opera as set-opener.
April 1980
Stevie Thunder releases his cover of Gary Numan’s "Cars" as debut single a mere two weeks after the original hits the American Top Ten. It crawls to Number 39 nonetheless, and plans are made for a follow-up single.
July 1980
A financially strained Jackie Daniels returns to Filmshow following the disastrous response to Silver Midnight’s first (and subsequently only) album. Gives a candid interview to Rolling Stone in which he bemoans “the biz” and promises a new Filmshow LP within the next three weeks, much to the chagrin of Johnny “Sticks” Wilson, Timmy “Noggin” McGillicudy and Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco, who have no other new material. Daniels swiftly fired upon publication of interview.
August 1980
Stevie Thunder’s second single, "Hey, Check Out My Bass," tanks and he finds himself without a record contract. Checks into rehab, where he meets up with a newly-dry McGillicudy. Thunder is invited back to the group, but declines. Disappears to study Eastern medication for the next 14 years.
February 1981
Upon release of the patchy live LP Suck This Rock – Live!, the remaining members of Filmshow announce the group’s dissolution. Johnny “Sticks” Wilson goes on to successfully produce and market his own brand of fish sticks, called Johnny’s Super Sticks. Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco attempts to gain a part on the culturally diverse children’s program Sesame Street, but is told by the show’s producer that he’s “too greasy-looking.” Opts for a recurring role as the elderly, female African-American neighbor Gladys (despite being a 26-year-old Caucasian male) on sitcom The Facts of Life instead. Timmy “Noggin” McGillicudy becomes a motivational speaker for the deaf.
March 1991
After a ten-year break from recording, Jackie Daniels appears as a backing vocalist on the successful "Voices That Care" single, released in support of US Gulf War troops.
October 1995
Rumors begin circulating that Filmshow have reunited and are writing and rehearsing new material for a second studio LP, and a spot on the “Monsters of Rock” tour, also featuring AC/DC and Ozzy Osbourne. These later prove to be false, as Filmshow have actually reunited to pay their outrageously high child support debts.
April 1996
Filmshow announce the dates for their highly anticipated reunion tour with all five members. Original drummer Richard Spangler Jr. invited to perform as second percussionist/backup vocalist, but he opts instead to sue Daniels, Wilson, Thunder, Santirocco and McGillicudy for copyright infringement and owed royalties.
May 1996
As promotion for the upcoming concerts, Filmshow release one-off hip-hop/hard rock single "Rock Dat Ass." The wildly inventive song, which was inspired by the collaborative rock & rap Judgment Night soundtrack, is praised by stunned critics who cite it as the band’s best work. However, it’s virtually ignored by all but the most rabid Filmshow fans, as radio won’t touch the 8-minute track, which the band refuse to edit down.
June 1996
Tragedy strikes during the opening notes of "Rock ‘til We’re Blue" at the first show on the Filmshow reunion tour, as Johnny “Sticks” Wilson is instantly killed when his amplifier falls into a prop tub filled with water and electric eels onstage. The band try to continue the show, ignoring his smoking corpse at the side of the stage, but the crowd riots and attacks the band, who flee into a helicopter. Elton John performs "Candle In The Wind (Goodbye Mr. Sticks)" at Wilson’s funeral the next week.
January 1997
Timmy “Noggin” McGillicudy attempts suicide by jumping into New York’s Hudson River, but instead breaks both legs on the Hudson’s impenetrable frozen surface. McGillicudy tells arriving EMTs that he has regained the will to live, but is tragically killed en route to the hospital when the ambulance he’s being transported in collides with a limobus full of screaming children from the Hamptons.
February 1997
Bored one afternoon, and not wanting to be outdone by McGillicudy’s unusual death, Stevie Thunder is decapitated by his neighbor’s dogs.
July 1997
Jackie Daniels and Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco organize a benefit concert in memory of their fallen bandmates. During a heart-wrenching performance of “You Took (Your Love), Rock” with Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Corgan, both Daniels and Santirocco fall off the front of the stage and are crushed by unruly fans.
August 1997
An accidental fire at the Columbia Records main office and adjacent record plant results in the destruction of the original Filmshow master tapes and all subsequent pressings of the band’s back catalogue. Original copies of the band’s records had been universally recalled 16 years previously due to pressing errors, which featured Miles Davis compositions tacked onto the middle of every album. This results in the complete loss of all Filmshow recorded material, in addition to the surviving family members selling themselves on the street to afford food in the absence of royalty checks.
September 1997
Ex-drummer Richard Spangler Jr. attempts to abscond the name Filmshow, and re-record and perform the group’s hits on tour with hired hands, but he instead changes his name to Ben Affleck and begins acting.
October 1997
Spangler/Affleck stabbed by Matt Damon.
- Stevie Thunder: well, duh. But to be fair, seeing as this character is a bassist, he's also descended from the God of Thunder. The detail on Thunder's jacket pocket is a reverse Mudflap girl. And, oh yeah, that's actually me underneath the fake mullet and badly drawn beard.
- Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco [sic, again]: man, were we careless. His middle name should be "DiGiovanni," with no apostrophe (what can I say, this was all created pre-Google). As with the McGillicudy misspell, this one stands. Rocco is actually our bass player, Brian. The "XXX" isn't just for sex, it's for moonshine; a vague reference to Brian's occasional homemade beer brewing hobby.
CHAPTER THREE: THE SONGS
I imagined that these guys would have been big Bruce Springsteen and Bob Seger fans, but they lacked the talent to reach those artists' heights (kind of like the real Filmshow; the fake Filmshow is really just an avatar for us, if we had been born 20 years earlier, listened to hard rock, and actually got signed to a major label). The fake Filmshow's music would have probably come off sounding more like a combination of Brownsville Station's "Smokin' In The Boys Room" (the original -- Motley Crue's version was a cover) and this Ian Hunter song (later covered by Great White).
(Side note: interesting how hair metal bands of the 1980s went through a phase of recording covers of 1970s "party rock" anthems; they were most likely songs they grew up with. See also Slade's "Cum On Feel The Noize," which most kids my age thought was a Quiet Riot original, though it could be argued that this Oasis performance bests them both).
Some of the fake song titles came from email exchanges with my friend and sometime musical cohort Jonathan Bakert (more -- much, much more -- on him in a future post). Pretty sure that "Teacher Don't Rock" and "You Took (Your Love), Rock" were Jon's creations; "Rock 'Til We're Blue," "(Let's Make This Town a) Rockin' Town," and "She Said (Rock Don't Pay The Bills)" bear my writing style. Redundant and/or incorrectly used parentheses in rock songs were a minor recurring joke for us at that time.
CHAPTER FOUR: OTHER INFO
"Gunther Smythe-Nevins" is a nonsensical, vaguely Anglo-Germanic name that suggested "music biz veteran," with a dash of European cool. I figured that in real life, Columbia Records would really have sent a big-time, disciplined producer to corral a bunch of talented (or talentless?) goofballs from rural America into making a commercial pop-rock record, and thus secure their investment in the band.
GFI Studios is a real studio in Rochester, NY (not Burbank, CA) where the real Filmshow (aka us) actually recorded a few sessions. Nice place.
"8-Track Cartridges" -- the specific language here (rather than "8-Track Tapes") was suggested by my friend and 70s music enthusiast, Ian Maginnis. Thankfully, at least one sentence in the ad is authentic.
ASCAP? I think we thought at the time that it was a legal thing. We had no idea what the hell we were talking about.
In the real world, one of the bands that we, aka the real Filmshow (see how stupid this is getting!? Why didn't we give the fake band a different goddamn name!) played with that night, FM Green, has a neat timeline of their shows posted online (scroll to the bottom of the page for our date). It was the only reference to this concert I could find online.
- -
EPILOGUE
We passed the finished pic around via email, and got enough of a laugh out of it, that my fevered mind went into overdrive and began to flesh out the fake Filmshow's backstory. Result: the timeline you'll read further along in this post.
The timeline was written in August 2000, when I was 22. Most of it is enthusiastic but immature, and in places, I blatantly created bad rewrites of other well-known parodies. I'll leave that to you to decipher.
Also, as you read the timeline, note that the Daniels and Thunder characters are using stage names, rather than their given names (Christopher Hauptmann and Mieczyslaw Krzyzewski, respectively). This was a dig at the old showbiz practice of forcing up-and-coming talent to change their names to something more exciting or less ethnic, according to standards of the day. I retained Santirocco's birth name as an exception to this rule, though the mention of his uncle is something I'll elaborate upon in a future post.
So, there you have it. A phony, funny ad for a non-existent rock band, and now, my (insanely juvenile) bonus presentation: Filmshow, The Timeline (1977-1997). Enjoy(?).
------------------------------
APPENDIX
Filmshow: The Timeline (1977-1997)
February 1977
Filmshow form in Hathaway Beach, Florida. Lineup consists of singer Jackie Daniels (real name Christopher Hauptmann); guitarist Johnny “Sticks” Wilson (nicknamed not because of drumming abilities, but because he hailed from “the sticks”); bassist Stevie Thunder (real name Mieczyslaw Krzyzewski); pianist Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco (nephew of rock manager Rock St. Rock); and drummer Richard Spangler Jr. Begin writing songs and gigging earnestly around Florida.
October 1977
Filmshow fire drummer Richard Spangler Jr. due to his lack of “party skills.” Replaced by Timmy “Noggin” McGillicudy, formerly drummer in Boston-based prog-rock group The Merry Men. McGillicudy nicknamed because of permanent forehead inflammation which resulted from vast helium intake as teenager. McGillicudy is younger brother of acclaimed jazz saxophonist James Cartwright Gill (born Seamus Patrick McGillicudy).
April 1978
After months of intense gigging in the southeastern United States, Filmshow are noticed by Dallas music promoter Van Harper. Agrees to listen to their 4-song demo, She Said No! and promises to send copies to various rock DJs around the South. Instead, he passes on Filmshow in favor of taking role as Andy Gibb’s American tour manager. Harper struck by lightning at Doobie Brothers concert in Houston later that year.
July 1978
Filmshow sign a two-album deal with Columbia Records after their performance at a Miami radio station-sponsored festival. Filmshow nearly botch meeting when a severely hungover Johnny “Sticks” Wilson vomits on Columbia A&R rep in a crowded coffee bar.
September 1978
Filmshow begin first cross-country tour of North America. Stevie Thunder arrested for possession of Quaaludes at United States-Canadian border, which forces band to cancel all 8 Canadian concerts.
October 1978
Filmshow play the famed CBGB’s in New York City. Among those in attendance include Joey Ramone, Debbie Harry and David Byrne. Filmshow described by Byrne post-gig as “shitty.”
December 1978
Sessions for the first Filmshow record hit a wall, when after 5 weeks of recording in Burbank, California, pianist Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco disappears with a surfboard to “find” himself. Santirocco quickly finds himself…penniless on the street with no clothes. Santirocco returns to the group to complete the album.
March 1979
Filmshow’s debut LP Rock ‘til We’re Blue…Vol. 1 hits stores nationwide, and is released soon after in the UK, Europe and Japan. Despite near-universal panning by music critics and scholars, it goes on to sell 4 million copies worldwide over the next year.
May 1979
Filmshow face lifetime ban from NBC television network after a controversial performance on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, during which Jackie Daniels exposes genitals to television and home-viewing audience, while simulating sex with microphone stand as the band perform “(Let’s Make This Town A) Rockin’ Town.”
June 1979
“(Let’s Make This Town A) Rockin’ Town” rockets to Number Three on the Billboard singles chart, in spite of (or perhaps because of) the Tonight Show performance.
November 1979
Filmshow world tour ends in turmoil as a cocaine-addled Stevie Thunder quits the group to start a New Wave-tinged solo career. Jackie Daniels leaves the next day, and forms hard rock outfit Silver Midnight in the following weeks. The group hastily records their first record.
February 1980
Silver Midnight’s North American tour begins. Two weeks into the tour, the band’s debut LP Hammer On Rye is released. The album is greeted with widespread apathy, as the public discovers the album (contrary to the band’s metal-edged live shows) sounds exactly like a wimpy bastard child of The Eagles and Foreigner.
March 1980
Wilson, Santirocco and McGillicudy reconvene and head out on the road to perform acoustic versions of Filmshow’s hits, with all three taking over lead vocals. Filmshow respond to poor ticket sales by introducing 35-minute Medieval-influenced folk opera as set-opener.
April 1980
Stevie Thunder releases his cover of Gary Numan’s "Cars" as debut single a mere two weeks after the original hits the American Top Ten. It crawls to Number 39 nonetheless, and plans are made for a follow-up single.
July 1980
A financially strained Jackie Daniels returns to Filmshow following the disastrous response to Silver Midnight’s first (and subsequently only) album. Gives a candid interview to Rolling Stone in which he bemoans “the biz” and promises a new Filmshow LP within the next three weeks, much to the chagrin of Johnny “Sticks” Wilson, Timmy “Noggin” McGillicudy and Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco, who have no other new material. Daniels swiftly fired upon publication of interview.
August 1980
Stevie Thunder’s second single, "Hey, Check Out My Bass," tanks and he finds himself without a record contract. Checks into rehab, where he meets up with a newly-dry McGillicudy. Thunder is invited back to the group, but declines. Disappears to study Eastern medication for the next 14 years.
February 1981
Upon release of the patchy live LP Suck This Rock – Live!, the remaining members of Filmshow announce the group’s dissolution. Johnny “Sticks” Wilson goes on to successfully produce and market his own brand of fish sticks, called Johnny’s Super Sticks. Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco attempts to gain a part on the culturally diverse children’s program Sesame Street, but is told by the show’s producer that he’s “too greasy-looking.” Opts for a recurring role as the elderly, female African-American neighbor Gladys (despite being a 26-year-old Caucasian male) on sitcom The Facts of Life instead. Timmy “Noggin” McGillicudy becomes a motivational speaker for the deaf.
March 1991
After a ten-year break from recording, Jackie Daniels appears as a backing vocalist on the successful "Voices That Care" single, released in support of US Gulf War troops.
October 1995
Rumors begin circulating that Filmshow have reunited and are writing and rehearsing new material for a second studio LP, and a spot on the “Monsters of Rock” tour, also featuring AC/DC and Ozzy Osbourne. These later prove to be false, as Filmshow have actually reunited to pay their outrageously high child support debts.
April 1996
Filmshow announce the dates for their highly anticipated reunion tour with all five members. Original drummer Richard Spangler Jr. invited to perform as second percussionist/backup vocalist, but he opts instead to sue Daniels, Wilson, Thunder, Santirocco and McGillicudy for copyright infringement and owed royalties.
May 1996
As promotion for the upcoming concerts, Filmshow release one-off hip-hop/hard rock single "Rock Dat Ass." The wildly inventive song, which was inspired by the collaborative rock & rap Judgment Night soundtrack, is praised by stunned critics who cite it as the band’s best work. However, it’s virtually ignored by all but the most rabid Filmshow fans, as radio won’t touch the 8-minute track, which the band refuse to edit down.
June 1996
Tragedy strikes during the opening notes of "Rock ‘til We’re Blue" at the first show on the Filmshow reunion tour, as Johnny “Sticks” Wilson is instantly killed when his amplifier falls into a prop tub filled with water and electric eels onstage. The band try to continue the show, ignoring his smoking corpse at the side of the stage, but the crowd riots and attacks the band, who flee into a helicopter. Elton John performs "Candle In The Wind (Goodbye Mr. Sticks)" at Wilson’s funeral the next week.
January 1997
Timmy “Noggin” McGillicudy attempts suicide by jumping into New York’s Hudson River, but instead breaks both legs on the Hudson’s impenetrable frozen surface. McGillicudy tells arriving EMTs that he has regained the will to live, but is tragically killed en route to the hospital when the ambulance he’s being transported in collides with a limobus full of screaming children from the Hamptons.
February 1997
Bored one afternoon, and not wanting to be outdone by McGillicudy’s unusual death, Stevie Thunder is decapitated by his neighbor’s dogs.
July 1997
Jackie Daniels and Rocco D’Giovanni Santirocco organize a benefit concert in memory of their fallen bandmates. During a heart-wrenching performance of “You Took (Your Love), Rock” with Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Corgan, both Daniels and Santirocco fall off the front of the stage and are crushed by unruly fans.
August 1997
An accidental fire at the Columbia Records main office and adjacent record plant results in the destruction of the original Filmshow master tapes and all subsequent pressings of the band’s back catalogue. Original copies of the band’s records had been universally recalled 16 years previously due to pressing errors, which featured Miles Davis compositions tacked onto the middle of every album. This results in the complete loss of all Filmshow recorded material, in addition to the surviving family members selling themselves on the street to afford food in the absence of royalty checks.
September 1997
Ex-drummer Richard Spangler Jr. attempts to abscond the name Filmshow, and re-record and perform the group’s hits on tour with hired hands, but he instead changes his name to Ben Affleck and begins acting.
October 1997
Spangler/Affleck stabbed by Matt Damon.
--
Monday, September 26, 2011
Phil's Super 2000 Mega Proto Blog!
Several years ago, my friends and I played in a rock band called Filmshow (there's still some audio of us out there; I'll leave that to you and your search skills if you're really curious). Speaking purely in terms of role assignment, I was pretty much the pre-1966 George Harrison of the group, if I may offer so bold a comparison (screw it, I just did).
As a slightly hyperactive "lead" guitarist without much of a lyrical outlet, I appointed myself ghostwriter for most of our press releases, emails, and website news entries. For example: one phrase I coined for our 1999 bio declared that Filmshow's music was "cinematic, layered, sugar-free pop." As Bill Simmons would say, let's just move on.
As you read through the below entries, you'll get a glimpse of the younger me; cocky, clever, waxing pseudo-intellectual, stumbling into a few salient points along the way, but mostly showing off my grasp of pop culture (and Jesus, have I really been listening to The Fall this long?). Happily, I can say I also wrote this stuff for the sheer fun of it, as a way to personalize the band, and frankly, to give people something to read on our kinda empty site. In that respect, it works.
Now, about all that lowercase type. It was influenced primarily by Radiohead; namely, guitarist Ed O'Brien's 1999-2000 recording diary and singer Thom Yorke's dumping ground of lyrics and prose, from a slightly earlier version of their official site. Pretty fucking meta and nerdy.
Then again, I suppose that's what you do when you're twenty-two.
-----------------------------------------------
12 april 2000
i was recently interviewed for some sort of ragtag publication and it dawned on me: what is the point of an interview? why put someone in the spotlight, deserving or otherwise, just for the sake of a one-way conversation? all the subtle nuances of speech, gesture, mannerism are completely lost in the transfer from physical presence to black ink. this is where the phrase "out of context" must come from then. we're currently assembling our new web site as we prepare to play our first live dates of the new year. these of course will be the first shows since we changed our name to filmshow. to be honest, just a few short months ago we didn't even think the band would still exist at this point. not because of a lack of initiative or interest in writing/recording/playing etc., but simply because certain band members had left the group or were on their way out. which i suppose leads us to the name change. it's more than just the logistics of finding a more suitable moniker or avoiding confusion with other similarly-named acts. changing the name was, on a small scale, a way to start fresh again with the same five people, odd as it may sound. so for the record, we're still the same band, we still play the same songs (plus some more new ones) and we're still completely incompatible on any bill with any other band we can think of. how's that for a quote?
book: high fidelity/nick hornby
record: this nation's saving grace/the fall
film: mr. smith goes to washington/frank capra
--------------------------------
8 august 2000
stinkin thinkin......we're in the middle of writing new material right now. reread my previous comments for fun. anyway, hang on - - we should have the site fixed up this month and we'll be playing out again before too long. that said, the rest of our dates will likely be out of the area. we're looking at the following cities/locales at the moment: albany / syracuse / ithaca / buffalo / nyc / pittsburgh / columbus / cleveland / chicago / toronto. from there, we'll maybe play one rochester date, hopefully at christmas, which i really want to do. colored lights, free gifts and everything. if you're (we're) lucky, more press coverage and studio time will be in the cards soon. from the birth of existence to the lazy shits on suburban couches, we find filmshow. love, phil.
book: let it blurt: the life and times of lester bangs/jim derogatis
record: fear of a black planet/public enemy
film: being john malkovich/spike jonze
--------------------------------
28 november 2000
we've been killing some time while preparing to enter the studio...a bit too much time, but i digress. in less than two weeks, this ramshackle five-piece will be back in a proper studio again (first time in nearly two years). we'll see how things go...we're either going to get fairly straightforward renditions of two songs, peppered with our own studio-bred touches, or another squeaky pop mess. in the meantime, everybody's been keeping busy...with what, i have no idea. i've been setting up a little pseudo-studio in my living room (dubbed by i. maginnis as "phil's radio shack") and in between FINALLY getting back to multi-tracking some new songs, i started a remix of the elusive "deathbed resurrection" (written by paul o'neill aka litmus, and our own m. t. dailor). bollocks to guitars...
book: this side of paradise/f. scott fitzgerald
record: remixes 10+3/various artists, warp records (available on matador in the US)
film: when robots attack/carl diehl
--------------------------------
19 january 2001
moment from the filmshow timeline: two years ago this evening, we did a live set on a radio show called "rochester sessions." the program director wouldn't bail out a few members of the band when we were given parking tickets, despite the fact that the place we were specifically instructed to park (by this clown) was apparently off-limits...well, at least i wrangled my way out. on another note, the studio has been a drawn-out, but nonetheless good experience...for most of us at least. rough mixes of the recording are showing that we went in the right direction with these songs in the studio, and i personally have had an amazing time working with the band and nic. despite my well-documented comfort with live performance, i'm just more excited to be in a studio, tearing a song apart and finding specific sounds for each instrument. that being said, what is holding things up is vocals...or the lack thereof due to fluctuating illnesses (and fluctuating attention spans) that matthew keeps falling prey to. morale is not really the issue...it's really just motivation. we promise we'll have a finished recording sometime soon. although it seems like we've been in there for ages, none of these sessions has been a full day, and we've often worked odd hours. we're not in stone roses territory...yet.
book: coming of age/studs terkel
record: selected ambient works, volume II/aphex twin
film: o brother, where art thou?/coen brothers
--------------------------------
2 april 2001
mentally recovering from a difficult march (and a not-so-difficult birthday)...in like a lion, out like a liar. turning back again to the "filmshow" brand name, it would appear that once again i am going to completely contradict matthew and say that the band doesn't exist - well, not as matthewbrianjoejayandphil - for the time being. yes, the band turned into a studio project, and yes, i loved that...so much so that i got back to work on my demos, which range from wall-of-sound histrionics to synth-based neuro pop. i'm also currently producing a five-song demo for an as-yet-unnamed (and unharmed) band whose songs sound like a mixture of gomez, jeff buckley, and the unbelievable truth. joe is doing some session work on that recording too. that said, although matthew and i may be writing different things within these digital pages, we're thinking very similarly. i don't know what filmshow is going to emerge as, or if it will collapse, but for now matthew and joe and i will likely pool a few songs together and maybe just continue some soundtrack-ish things we've fooled with individually. a recorded release? i doubt it. something new, up on the website? more likely.
Marvin Gaye
2 april 1939 - 1 april 1984
Sir Alec Guinness
2 april 1914 - 5 august 2000
book: the sun also rises/ernest hemingway (15 months to finish...snooze)
record: modern life is rubbish/blur (an old favorite)
film: small time crooks/woody allen
As a slightly hyperactive "lead" guitarist without much of a lyrical outlet, I appointed myself ghostwriter for most of our press releases, emails, and website news entries. For example: one phrase I coined for our 1999 bio declared that Filmshow's music was "cinematic, layered, sugar-free pop." As Bill Simmons would say, let's just move on.
I probably could have, or maybe should have, put down my guitar and managed Filmshow. I'd have saved everyone in the band a lot of headaches; then again, I would have lost out on some valuable creative lessons along the way, so it was worth it in the end. (Whoa, did I just get to the feel-good ending before even kicking into the main point of this post? Hey man...slow down.)
Reposted below are the written contents of my personal page from our website (and here's the Internet Archive link to the original page). I've reordered the entries chronologically to make for easier reading, and I've kept the formatting intact for your amusement (more on that in a moment).
Looking back, it's pretty clear that this was some kind of proto-blog. I think blogs were not quite mainstream yet; Blogger was in its infancy, but I hadn't yet clued into it. Myspace didn't exist. There was no Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr for communicating with an audience. No SoundCloud, iTunes, or TuneCore with which to release your tracks. Bandcamp wasn't a music site, it was a reference to American Pie. Nope, you just had a website. That's it.
Reposted below are the written contents of my personal page from our website (and here's the Internet Archive link to the original page). I've reordered the entries chronologically to make for easier reading, and I've kept the formatting intact for your amusement (more on that in a moment).
Looking back, it's pretty clear that this was some kind of proto-blog. I think blogs were not quite mainstream yet; Blogger was in its infancy, but I hadn't yet clued into it. Myspace didn't exist. There was no Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr for communicating with an audience. No SoundCloud, iTunes, or TuneCore with which to release your tracks. Bandcamp wasn't a music site, it was a reference to American Pie. Nope, you just had a website. That's it.
As you read through the below entries, you'll get a glimpse of the younger me; cocky, clever, waxing pseudo-intellectual, stumbling into a few salient points along the way, but mostly showing off my grasp of pop culture (and Jesus, have I really been listening to The Fall this long?). Happily, I can say I also wrote this stuff for the sheer fun of it, as a way to personalize the band, and frankly, to give people something to read on our kinda empty site. In that respect, it works.
Now, about all that lowercase type. It was influenced primarily by Radiohead; namely, guitarist Ed O'Brien's 1999-2000 recording diary and singer Thom Yorke's dumping ground of lyrics and prose, from a slightly earlier version of their official site. Pretty fucking meta and nerdy.
Then again, I suppose that's what you do when you're twenty-two.
-----------------------------------------------
12 april 2000
i was recently interviewed for some sort of ragtag publication and it dawned on me: what is the point of an interview? why put someone in the spotlight, deserving or otherwise, just for the sake of a one-way conversation? all the subtle nuances of speech, gesture, mannerism are completely lost in the transfer from physical presence to black ink. this is where the phrase "out of context" must come from then. we're currently assembling our new web site as we prepare to play our first live dates of the new year. these of course will be the first shows since we changed our name to filmshow. to be honest, just a few short months ago we didn't even think the band would still exist at this point. not because of a lack of initiative or interest in writing/recording/playing etc., but simply because certain band members had left the group or were on their way out. which i suppose leads us to the name change. it's more than just the logistics of finding a more suitable moniker or avoiding confusion with other similarly-named acts. changing the name was, on a small scale, a way to start fresh again with the same five people, odd as it may sound. so for the record, we're still the same band, we still play the same songs (plus some more new ones) and we're still completely incompatible on any bill with any other band we can think of. how's that for a quote?
book: high fidelity/nick hornby
record: this nation's saving grace/the fall
film: mr. smith goes to washington/frank capra
------------------------------
8 august 2000
stinkin thinkin......we're in the middle of writing new material right now. reread my previous comments for fun. anyway, hang on - - we should have the site fixed up this month and we'll be playing out again before too long. that said, the rest of our dates will likely be out of the area. we're looking at the following cities/locales at the moment: albany / syracuse / ithaca / buffalo / nyc / pittsburgh / columbus / cleveland / chicago / toronto. from there, we'll maybe play one rochester date, hopefully at christmas, which i really want to do. colored lights, free gifts and everything. if you're (we're) lucky, more press coverage and studio time will be in the cards soon. from the birth of existence to the lazy shits on suburban couches, we find filmshow. love, phil.
book: let it blurt: the life and times of lester bangs/jim derogatis
record: fear of a black planet/public enemy
film: being john malkovich/spike jonze
------------------------------
28 november 2000
we've been killing some time while preparing to enter the studio...a bit too much time, but i digress. in less than two weeks, this ramshackle five-piece will be back in a proper studio again (first time in nearly two years). we'll see how things go...we're either going to get fairly straightforward renditions of two songs, peppered with our own studio-bred touches, or another squeaky pop mess. in the meantime, everybody's been keeping busy...with what, i have no idea. i've been setting up a little pseudo-studio in my living room (dubbed by i. maginnis as "phil's radio shack") and in between FINALLY getting back to multi-tracking some new songs, i started a remix of the elusive "deathbed resurrection" (written by paul o'neill aka litmus, and our own m. t. dailor). bollocks to guitars...
book: this side of paradise/f. scott fitzgerald
record: remixes 10+3/various artists, warp records (available on matador in the US)
film: when robots attack/carl diehl
------------------------------
19 january 2001
moment from the filmshow timeline: two years ago this evening, we did a live set on a radio show called "rochester sessions." the program director wouldn't bail out a few members of the band when we were given parking tickets, despite the fact that the place we were specifically instructed to park (by this clown) was apparently off-limits...well, at least i wrangled my way out. on another note, the studio has been a drawn-out, but nonetheless good experience...for most of us at least. rough mixes of the recording are showing that we went in the right direction with these songs in the studio, and i personally have had an amazing time working with the band and nic. despite my well-documented comfort with live performance, i'm just more excited to be in a studio, tearing a song apart and finding specific sounds for each instrument. that being said, what is holding things up is vocals...or the lack thereof due to fluctuating illnesses (and fluctuating attention spans) that matthew keeps falling prey to. morale is not really the issue...it's really just motivation. we promise we'll have a finished recording sometime soon. although it seems like we've been in there for ages, none of these sessions has been a full day, and we've often worked odd hours. we're not in stone roses territory...yet.
book: coming of age/studs terkel
record: selected ambient works, volume II/aphex twin
film: o brother, where art thou?/coen brothers
------------------------------
2 april 2001
mentally recovering from a difficult march (and a not-so-difficult birthday)...in like a lion, out like a liar. turning back again to the "filmshow" brand name, it would appear that once again i am going to completely contradict matthew and say that the band doesn't exist - well, not as matthewbrianjoejayandphil - for the time being. yes, the band turned into a studio project, and yes, i loved that...so much so that i got back to work on my demos, which range from wall-of-sound histrionics to synth-based neuro pop. i'm also currently producing a five-song demo for an as-yet-unnamed (and unharmed) band whose songs sound like a mixture of gomez, jeff buckley, and the unbelievable truth. joe is doing some session work on that recording too. that said, although matthew and i may be writing different things within these digital pages, we're thinking very similarly. i don't know what filmshow is going to emerge as, or if it will collapse, but for now matthew and joe and i will likely pool a few songs together and maybe just continue some soundtrack-ish things we've fooled with individually. a recorded release? i doubt it. something new, up on the website? more likely.
Marvin Gaye
2 april 1939 - 1 april 1984
Sir Alec Guinness
2 april 1914 - 5 august 2000
book: the sun also rises/ernest hemingway (15 months to finish...snooze)
record: modern life is rubbish/blur (an old favorite)
film: small time crooks/woody allen
John Lackey, TMZ, and the Ease of Cognitive Dissonance
Allow me to demonstrate that it's possible to have two seemingly opposing thoughts in your head at the same time, both of which make sense:
1) TMZ and other tabloid media are the scum of the earth for invading people's privacy;
2) John Lackey is a fucking coward for divorcing his wife while she battles breast cancer.
See how easy that was?
1) TMZ and other tabloid media are the scum of the earth for invading people's privacy;
2) John Lackey is a fucking coward for divorcing his wife while she battles breast cancer.
See how easy that was?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
We're Not Scared, We're Outta Here.
R.E.M. announced today that they've broken up after 31 years.
When you're a moody, volatile 14-year-old kid who listens mainly to smart-ass punk rock and nihilistic rap, you're lucky when you discover music that offers warmth, optimism, and mystery. That's what R.E.M.'s best songs gave me.
And it helped, a lot. R.I.P. R.E.M.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
Last week, I was cleaning out my email inbox when I noticed a long-forgotten folder: "Morrissey Takes." [1.]
Uh oh.
Let me take you back to the beginning. In January 2006, Stereogum.com posted the tracklist for the then-forthcoming Morrissey album Years of Refusal, and invited readers to comment with their own fake Morrissey song titles.
Morrissey, as many music fans know, has a singular and memorable way of naming his songs, whether as the singer with The Smiths ("Barbarism Begins at Home;" "Frankly, Mr. Shankly") or as a solo artist ("We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful;" "I Have Forgiven Jesus"). The longer you listen, the easier it becomes (in theory, at least) to parody the man's approach to titles; the fun is in skating the line between knowing references to his work, and absurd self-unaware exaggeration.
Being a fan of Morrissey, The Smiths, and terrible jokes, I sensed an opportunity. I had good fun contributing my own affectionate parodies to the Stereogum thread; you can find my postings under the alias "Will E. Maykit". [2.]
But somehow, that wasn't enough. I decided to get 4 of my Moz-loving friends involved over email, and...well...things got out of hand.
The following is a complete, one-month-long (!) exchange of fake Morrissey song titles, albums, and EPs (with a final email written 3 years later, acting as a coda for the entire thread). How deep did we get? My fake "Stay Handsome" song title comes directly from a Moz quote at a December 1983 performance in Derby, UK (a bootleg DVD of this show fell into my hands during the twilight hours of the pre-YouTube era. Don't ask.).
We even waded into an ugly part of the mythology of Morrissey -- tabloid accusations of racism, usually based on hearsay and assumption, regarding statements he allegedly made about non-Whites in Britain. "Evidence" was everything from his brandishing a Union Jack at a 1992 Finsbury Park concert (the UK music press completely changed their tune a few years later, when they accepted and even championed the Spice Girls and Oasis doing nearly the same thing), to song titles like this. We pretty much said to ourselves, "What if Morrissey really were a racist asshole? What kind of lyrics would he write then?" Hence, some of the riskier titles you'll see below.
Again, I hope it's clear that we're fans of both Morrissey and The Smiths. I thought I should restate that before a more extreme gladioli-wielding member of the Moz faithful at True To You or Morrissey-Solo begins linking to this piece, with posts titled "The Blogger Who Must Be Killed" or "Stop Him If You Think You've Heard This One Before." (See? The parodies write themselves.)
A few things to consider before you dive into this rabbit hole:
---
FOOTNOTES:
[1.] Incidentally, "takes," in this context, is a term that's frequently associated with The Jim Rome Show. For newcomers: it's a syndicated Los Angeles-based sports radio talk show, where the aforementioned host delivers a variety of thoughts and observations, or "takes," often in a sarcastic manner, and frequently peppered with comedic call-backs and references.
[2.] Will E. Maykit is a misspelled reference to a joke I read as a kid in the Think and Grin section of Boys' Life, a magazine for Boy Scouts. The joke went something like: "A Book Never Written: Race To The Outhouse, by Will E. Makit and Betty Wont." Am I getting obscure enough yet?
Uh oh.
Let me take you back to the beginning. In January 2006, Stereogum.com posted the tracklist for the then-forthcoming Morrissey album Years of Refusal, and invited readers to comment with their own fake Morrissey song titles.
Morrissey, as many music fans know, has a singular and memorable way of naming his songs, whether as the singer with The Smiths ("Barbarism Begins at Home;" "Frankly, Mr. Shankly") or as a solo artist ("We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful;" "I Have Forgiven Jesus"). The longer you listen, the easier it becomes (in theory, at least) to parody the man's approach to titles; the fun is in skating the line between knowing references to his work, and absurd self-unaware exaggeration.
Being a fan of Morrissey, The Smiths, and terrible jokes, I sensed an opportunity. I had good fun contributing my own affectionate parodies to the Stereogum thread; you can find my postings under the alias "Will E. Maykit". [2.]
But somehow, that wasn't enough. I decided to get 4 of my Moz-loving friends involved over email, and...well...things got out of hand.
The following is a complete, one-month-long (!) exchange of fake Morrissey song titles, albums, and EPs (with a final email written 3 years later, acting as a coda for the entire thread). How deep did we get? My fake "Stay Handsome" song title comes directly from a Moz quote at a December 1983 performance in Derby, UK (a bootleg DVD of this show fell into my hands during the twilight hours of the pre-YouTube era. Don't ask.).
We even waded into an ugly part of the mythology of Morrissey -- tabloid accusations of racism, usually based on hearsay and assumption, regarding statements he allegedly made about non-Whites in Britain. "Evidence" was everything from his brandishing a Union Jack at a 1992 Finsbury Park concert (the UK music press completely changed their tune a few years later, when they accepted and even championed the Spice Girls and Oasis doing nearly the same thing), to song titles like this. We pretty much said to ourselves, "What if Morrissey really were a racist asshole? What kind of lyrics would he write then?" Hence, some of the riskier titles you'll see below.
Again, I hope it's clear that we're fans of both Morrissey and The Smiths. I thought I should restate that before a more extreme gladioli-wielding member of the Moz faithful at True To You or Morrissey-Solo begins linking to this piece, with posts titled "The Blogger Who Must Be Killed" or "Stop Him If You Think You've Heard This One Before." (See? The parodies write themselves.)
A few things to consider before you dive into this rabbit hole:
- Yes, this nonsense was written by gainfully employed grown men in their late 20s. No, we didn't have problems attracting women.
- Yes, this really went on for an entire month. No, we were not recluses.
- Yes, we may have had brain damage. No, we may have had brain damage.
---
FOOTNOTES:
[1.] Incidentally, "takes," in this context, is a term that's frequently associated with The Jim Rome Show. For newcomers: it's a syndicated Los Angeles-based sports radio talk show, where the aforementioned host delivers a variety of thoughts and observations, or "takes," often in a sarcastic manner, and frequently peppered with comedic call-backs and references.
[2.] Will E. Maykit is a misspelled reference to a joke I read as a kid in the Think and Grin section of Boys' Life, a magazine for Boy Scouts. The joke went something like: "A Book Never Written: Race To The Outhouse, by Will E. Makit and Betty Wont." Am I getting obscure enough yet?
---
BEGIN THREAD
---
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 1:31 PM
Subject: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
Stereogum.com posted the tracklisting to the forthcoming Morrissey album this week, and urged readers to post their own fake Moz song titles. I posted a few, and with additions, here are my Fake Morrissey Song Titles. I was going for authenticity, stupidity and/or general over-the-topness.
Feel free to add your own! It's fun! (Helpful hint: mix it up between overly long titles, vague puns, alliteration, conversational phrases and extreme melodrama.) At the end, we'll vote for our favorites and maybe write a fake Moz tune!
-Laughter is One Letter From Slaughter (And Love Is A World Away)
-My Teachers Were My Torture
-Dying In A Lorry Would Be Better Than Working
-Foreman Grilled
-That Was Your Very Last Joke At My Expense
-Lovable Looters
-Dubya's Persian Abattoir
-I Know All The Greatest Obscure Footballers
-We're Waiting For Your Answer, Tony
-At Last The Old Shopkeepers Will Have Their Revenge
-I'm Not Sure I Like Your Face, Ramona
-Newsreader In Peril
-Andy, Johnny, and Mike, You Owe Me A Career
PCM
--------------
From: Brian Gebhardt
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 2:30 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
So, actually, Morrissey has TWO new albums coming out. Here's the tracklisting for his other new album Bastard and Burden:
01. Derelict In Love
02. Leave Me Alone You Bore Me to Death
03. Father Drove A Lorry
04. Venus of the Disco
05. Albatross In Flames
06. Venetian Holiday Gone Wrong
07. Patience Is A Virtue That I Lost Long Ago
08. I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight
09. Trapped In A Lift With You Is Heaven And Hell
10. Neighborhood Full Of Thieves
11. Who Will Save Me From Myself
12. Busy Signal From God
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 3:13 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Brian Gebhardt, Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes
Cc: Liz
Brian, I think someone is pulling your chain, because I have it on good authority that this is the real track list:
-George
01. Your Linoleum Floors Are Killing Me
02. Filthy Bangladeshi Grocer
03. Mother Incest
04. All Blokes From North Leeds Are Bastards
05. We Love It When the Napalm Falls Upon Our Enemies
06. Auntie, Won't You Knit Me a Sweater (In a Lorry That's on Fire)?
07. Wanker on Rollerskates
08. Bank-Bencher in Short Pants
09. Calamity Is a Word I Know Well, and So Is the Word Injustice, Which Is Also a Word That I Know Well, and So Is Visigoth, Too
10. Gluesniffer
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 4:30 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
Not so fast, you clever swine. I have it on good authority that Morrissey is also releasing a new EP to promote the tour that follows the album. Tracklist here:
1. How Many More Times Must You Smash My Heart In?
2. James Dean's Groin
3. If I Tell You, Then Surely I Shall Have To Kill You, Judy
4. The Morose Know The Most (Avalanches Remix)
PCM
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 4:46 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
And let's not forget the double A-side single he's releasing for Christmas:
A. Bologna Is Vile
AA. Muslim Mullets
PCM
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 6:15 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves
Cc: George Ford, Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Liz
This is what I found when I Google searched his new album. I found it on this link www.morriseyishugeineasttimor.com .
1. Kevin's Nose Or His Nimble Brow?
2. You've Got Michael Keaton And Tina Yothers On Your Side, I'll Have Gene Wilder On Mine
3. A Nail In The Coffin Is Too Much For Seth
4. Frankie Cocktail
5. Ubiquitous Ursula's Uvula
6. Her Dresser's A Liar
7. Using Pencils Is Very Much Akin To Digging Up Your Grandmother's Body And Skull-Fucking Her While Laughing And Eating Sheperd's Pie (In The Back Of A Lorry)
8. Pure Cane Sugar
[Ed. note: Where's #9?]
10. 'Twas Nothing, D'Artagnan
11. Gosh, I'm a Mite Peckish
12. Sincerely, Mrs. Grierly
13. Thither Go I
14. Salome Salami
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 6:40 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
My roommate Liz uncovered this bootleg, which I think was from the sessions to his unreleased album "I've Got a Match: The Queen's Bum, Disraeli's Face." Take it away, Liz:
1. All I Ever Learned from You Was How to Boil an Egg
2. Eggs Are Vile
3. To Be Back in Mummy's Tummy
4. Samson Has Gone Haywire (and Now He's on the Loose)
5. You Must Have Been a Beautiful Ovum, 'Cause Fetus, Look at You Now
6. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Johnny's Down the Well
7. Eunuch in a Tunic
8. If I Were a Savion Glover, I Would Soft-Shoe on Your Face
9. Tell Me Truly, Julie, Were You Always Such a Whore?
10. Some Albums Sell Better than Others
11. Don't Touch Me, Mrs. Happenstance, Or I Will Kill You Dead
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Sun, Jan 8, 2006 at 4:26 PM
Subject: Morrissey Album
To: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
Where are you guys getting your info from? I've got it on good authority (The Buffalo News' Gusto section) that Morrissey's New CD has the following titles...
1. Polari In A Lorry
2. Crimean Pornography Made For A Messy Boxing Day
3. Pakistanis Are Alive and Well in Los Angeles, and I've Found They're Called Mexicans
4. Pissing on Urinal Cakes is Murder
5. The Year NME Stopped Sending Me A Christmas Card
6. Last Night I Dreamt My Bank Statement Contained More Than Three Digits
7. Demanding Cats Can Be Spayed Only If The Price is Right
8. Sucking My Thumb Was the Heroin of My Youth
9. The Only Thing the Workers Have to Lose Is Their Chains! (An Ode to El Lissitzky)
10. The Flaming Hips (Remix by Ladytron)
11. (Hidden Track) The Whisper Song (Ying Yang Twins Cover)
The album drops this summer!!!!
Ian
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 11:45 AM
Subject: Scraping The Barrel for Morrissey Tracks
To: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
Bangers and Mash Your Face In: The Unreleased Morrissey Sessions
1. Stay Handsome
2. The Olde Grey Stool Sample
3. It's All Over For Dearest Uncle Ben & Kindly Aunt Jemima
4. The Wrestler's Wig
5. Please Please Please Let Me Get A New TiVo
6. Use of Unnecessary Violence Against Dan Aykroyd Has Been Approved
7. Gluesniffer (extended version)
8. Take Me In Your Lorry, Laurie
9. Your Lorry Just Bores Me
10. 50 Ways To Leave Your Lorry
11. The Lorry Song (instrumental)
12. We May As Well Be Phoning It In
13. The Boy With The Lint In His Pocket
14. It Was Miss Scarlet In The Library WIth The Lead Pipe
15. Kisses From A Leper
16. Paris Hilton Is Like A Boot Stamping On A Human Face Forever
17. David Bowie's New Album Is Murder
18. Yes, I'd Like Three Large Orders of BBQ Chicken Wings, A Steak Sandwich, Two Turkey Pot Pies, and A Dozen Burgers, And While You're At, Keep The Change, Wally. (spoken word)
19. Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch (So Bitchy)
20. Who Gives A Shit?
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 5:54 PM
Subject: Re: Scraping The Barrel for Morrissey Tracks
To: George Ford
Cc: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Brian Gebhardt
Just heard about this one...
1. It was O! So Strange When Those Aliens Recalibrated My Cerebral Reticulator (From A Space Lorry) Whilst Swimming With Cetaceans In The Caribbean, Leslie.
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 1:46 PM
Subject: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia's premier website, stonewashedchessking.com, is reporting that a Laserdisc only release is in store for Morrissey fans found in all countries that were once a Soviet Socialist Republic. Its content is a rare documentary filmed in late 2004 in which Moz is demoing an EP titled "Don't Throw Flowers, Just Send Money."
Tracklisting
1. Overdraughting on the First of the Month
2. Doctor, Doctor, I've Had A Recurring Dream In Which R. Kelly Is Urinating on My Soul
3. Johnny Marr Caught Syphilis, And Whilst Caring For Him I Developed Florence Nightingale Syndrome
4. A Concert for Bangladeath
5. Viagra For the Asexual Reproducer
6. What Do You Mean Contempt of Court?
That's all I've got for now...any scraps left?
Ian M
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 2:25 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis
Cc: Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
According to Taiwanese pop culture blog WantonWonton.com, there's a special 78 RPM record included with the Laserdisc. The bonus 10'', made of authentic 1930's heavy shellac, and consisting of poetry readings, studio chatter and Morrissey's band tuning their guitars, features:
1. Loafpincher
2. Luke Perry Fan Club
3. Wanker In a Tanker
4. Stuck In A Tanning Booth You Can't Get Out Of (feat. Bono)
5. Oh Blimey, We're Out of Non-Dairy Creamer
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
According to a gay-philanthropist friend of mine who lives in SoHo, the first single to be released from the album is "Martini In A Bikini, Sweetie" He said it was fabulous.
-Kevin
--------------
From: Brian Gebhardt
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2006 at 2:15 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis
Cc: Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
This is getting ridiculous. Apologies for any repeated themes...
From God's Brain to the Tip of My Calligraphic Pen
When You Spat In My Afternoon Tea
This Carpeting Must Go
Now My Heart Is Full, Like a Lorry Full of Mexicans
On Musical Crimes Perpetrated by J. Marr and Other Various Atrocities
Ballad of Frank the Tank
Reel Around the Garden Gnome
Say What You Will, But I Still Like Paisley
New Orleans, I've Cried for You
The Ventura Freeway at Rush Hour Can Eat a Big Fat Dick
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2006 at 6:08 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Brian Gebhardt
Cc: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
NASA has announced that Morrissey has recorded exclusive tracks for an unmanned Mars landing mission. The songs will be played one time only via loudspeaker across the Martian surface upon the craft's touchdown in 2009. The music will not be commercially available, and will be left behind on Mars upon completion of the mission in order to torture Morrissey fans & collectors.
Tracks are as follows:
1. Mars Is a Four Letter Word
2. I Have Forgiven Mark Hamill
3. In Space, No One Can Hear You Spill Your Latte
4. NASA = Need Another Successful Album
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Thu, Jan 26, 2006 at 5:39 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves
Phil,
I can't think of anymore fake tracks, but this set for the Mars Landing has made me spit my coffee all over my computer screen.
LMAO-ROF
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Fri, Jan 27, 2006 at 8:20 AM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves, Brian Gebhardt
Cc: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
This rare 5-song EP was produced specifically for a scheduled Moz appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2003. Sadly for fans of Oprah and the melancholy pop star, the appearance was abruptly canceled -- word had barely reached only a few of the most in-the-know fans -- after a bitter dispute between Morrissey and Oprah protege Dr. Phil.
Details are hazy, but it seems the argument stemmed from Moz's objection to a "surprise" segment planned for the show. According to unnamed sources at Harpo, Johnny Marr was to walk out onstage mid-show with Dr. Phil, who would then try to counsel a reconciliation between the former bandmates.
It isn't known how Morrissey found out about the planned segment, but when he did, according the same source, he "went apeshit. But a really weird, fruity kind of apeshit. He was yelling and screaming, but most of it was in Latin. Then he just stormed out of there."
Morrissey was hastily replaced by substitute guest Craig T. Nelson.
1. Oprah Knows I'm Miserable Now
2. I Have Forgiven Your Studio Audience
3. Stop Me if Your Book Club Has Read This One Before
4. Dial-A-Lifestyle-Makeover
5. Thunderthighs
-George
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Fri, Jan 27, 2006 at 12:16 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
AP Wire Services reports that former Smiths frontman and mope-rock icon Morrissey has died in Rome. Born Steven Patrick Morrissey, the Irish-bred, British-born 46-year-old singer had just completed work on another album, Ringleader of The Tormentors, due out in April. Morrissey is survived by his mother, father, sister and most assuredly, a cult of devoted fans around the world. He will be buried in the Oscar Wilde wing of Manchester, England's Ancoats Cemetery. His forthcoming tombstone reads as follows:
Steven Patrick Morrissey
22.5.1959 - 26.1.2006
Now My Grave Is Full
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Tue, Feb 3, 2009 at 10:23 AM
Subject: Morrissey! (again)
To: George Ford, Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes
Wait until you read the song titles on Morrissey's new album, "Years of Refusal" - they sound like the ones we made up!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Years_of_Refusal
...and the CD/DVD bonus track is called...wait for it..."Wrestle with Russell."
(HUGE LOL!!!)
I think he really missed an opportunity on the original tunes he and I recently wrote together, such as:
"Sophisticated Bandits"
"Inebriated In Ibiza"
"Get Away From Me, Rodney"
"Nocturnal Omissions"
"Donna's Done it Again, Gerald"
"Shipwrecked on the Cape of Good Hope"
Phil
--------------
END
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 1:31 PM
Subject: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
Stereogum.com posted the tracklisting to the forthcoming Morrissey album this week, and urged readers to post their own fake Moz song titles. I posted a few, and with additions, here are my Fake Morrissey Song Titles. I was going for authenticity, stupidity and/or general over-the-topness.
Feel free to add your own! It's fun! (Helpful hint: mix it up between overly long titles, vague puns, alliteration, conversational phrases and extreme melodrama.) At the end, we'll vote for our favorites and maybe write a fake Moz tune!
-Laughter is One Letter From Slaughter (And Love Is A World Away)
-My Teachers Were My Torture
-Dying In A Lorry Would Be Better Than Working
-Foreman Grilled
-That Was Your Very Last Joke At My Expense
-Lovable Looters
-Dubya's Persian Abattoir
-I Know All The Greatest Obscure Footballers
-We're Waiting For Your Answer, Tony
-At Last The Old Shopkeepers Will Have Their Revenge
-I'm Not Sure I Like Your Face, Ramona
-Newsreader In Peril
-Andy, Johnny, and Mike, You Owe Me A Career
PCM
--------------
From: Brian Gebhardt
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 2:30 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
So, actually, Morrissey has TWO new albums coming out. Here's the tracklisting for his other new album Bastard and Burden:
01. Derelict In Love
02. Leave Me Alone You Bore Me to Death
03. Father Drove A Lorry
04. Venus of the Disco
05. Albatross In Flames
06. Venetian Holiday Gone Wrong
07. Patience Is A Virtue That I Lost Long Ago
08. I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight
09. Trapped In A Lift With You Is Heaven And Hell
10. Neighborhood Full Of Thieves
11. Who Will Save Me From Myself
12. Busy Signal From God
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 3:13 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Brian Gebhardt, Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes
Cc: Liz
Brian, I think someone is pulling your chain, because I have it on good authority that this is the real track list:
-George
01. Your Linoleum Floors Are Killing Me
02. Filthy Bangladeshi Grocer
03. Mother Incest
04. All Blokes From North Leeds Are Bastards
05. We Love It When the Napalm Falls Upon Our Enemies
06. Auntie, Won't You Knit Me a Sweater (In a Lorry That's on Fire)?
07. Wanker on Rollerskates
08. Bank-Bencher in Short Pants
09. Calamity Is a Word I Know Well, and So Is the Word Injustice, Which Is Also a Word That I Know Well, and So Is Visigoth, Too
10. Gluesniffer
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 4:30 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
Not so fast, you clever swine. I have it on good authority that Morrissey is also releasing a new EP to promote the tour that follows the album. Tracklist here:
1. How Many More Times Must You Smash My Heart In?
2. James Dean's Groin
3. If I Tell You, Then Surely I Shall Have To Kill You, Judy
4. The Morose Know The Most (Avalanches Remix)
PCM
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 4:46 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
And let's not forget the double A-side single he's releasing for Christmas:
A. Bologna Is Vile
AA. Muslim Mullets
PCM
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 6:15 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves
Cc: George Ford, Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Liz
This is what I found when I Google searched his new album. I found it on this link www.morriseyishugeineasttimor.
1. Kevin's Nose Or His Nimble Brow?
2. You've Got Michael Keaton And Tina Yothers On Your Side, I'll Have Gene Wilder On Mine
3. A Nail In The Coffin Is Too Much For Seth
4. Frankie Cocktail
5. Ubiquitous Ursula's Uvula
6. Her Dresser's A Liar
7. Using Pencils Is Very Much Akin To Digging Up Your Grandmother's Body And Skull-Fucking Her While Laughing And Eating Sheperd's Pie (In The Back Of A Lorry)
8. Pure Cane Sugar
[Ed. note: Where's #9?]
10. 'Twas Nothing, D'Artagnan
11. Gosh, I'm a Mite Peckish
12. Sincerely, Mrs. Grierly
13. Thither Go I
14. Salome Salami
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 6:40 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
My roommate Liz uncovered this bootleg, which I think was from the sessions to his unreleased album "I've Got a Match: The Queen's Bum, Disraeli's Face." Take it away, Liz:
1. All I Ever Learned from You Was How to Boil an Egg
2. Eggs Are Vile
3. To Be Back in Mummy's Tummy
4. Samson Has Gone Haywire (and Now He's on the Loose)
5. You Must Have Been a Beautiful Ovum, 'Cause Fetus, Look at You Now
6. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Johnny's Down the Well
7. Eunuch in a Tunic
8. If I Were a Savion Glover, I Would Soft-Shoe on Your Face
9. Tell Me Truly, Julie, Were You Always Such a Whore?
10. Some Albums Sell Better than Others
11. Don't Touch Me, Mrs. Happenstance, Or I Will Kill You Dead
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Sun, Jan 8, 2006 at 4:26 PM
Subject: Morrissey Album
To: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
Where are you guys getting your info from? I've got it on good authority (The Buffalo News' Gusto section) that Morrissey's New CD has the following titles...
1. Polari In A Lorry
2. Crimean Pornography Made For A Messy Boxing Day
3. Pakistanis Are Alive and Well in Los Angeles, and I've Found They're Called Mexicans
4. Pissing on Urinal Cakes is Murder
5. The Year NME Stopped Sending Me A Christmas Card
6. Last Night I Dreamt My Bank Statement Contained More Than Three Digits
7. Demanding Cats Can Be Spayed Only If The Price is Right
8. Sucking My Thumb Was the Heroin of My Youth
9. The Only Thing the Workers Have to Lose Is Their Chains! (An Ode to El Lissitzky)
10. The Flaming Hips (Remix by Ladytron)
11. (Hidden Track) The Whisper Song (Ying Yang Twins Cover)
The album drops this summer!!!!
Ian
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 11:45 AM
Subject: Scraping The Barrel for Morrissey Tracks
To: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
Bangers and Mash Your Face In: The Unreleased Morrissey Sessions
1. Stay Handsome
2. The Olde Grey Stool Sample
3. It's All Over For Dearest Uncle Ben & Kindly Aunt Jemima
4. The Wrestler's Wig
5. Please Please Please Let Me Get A New TiVo
6. Use of Unnecessary Violence Against Dan Aykroyd Has Been Approved
7. Gluesniffer (extended version)
8. Take Me In Your Lorry, Laurie
9. Your Lorry Just Bores Me
10. 50 Ways To Leave Your Lorry
11. The Lorry Song (instrumental)
12. We May As Well Be Phoning It In
13. The Boy With The Lint In His Pocket
14. It Was Miss Scarlet In The Library WIth The Lead Pipe
15. Kisses From A Leper
16. Paris Hilton Is Like A Boot Stamping On A Human Face Forever
17. David Bowie's New Album Is Murder
18. Yes, I'd Like Three Large Orders of BBQ Chicken Wings, A Steak Sandwich, Two Turkey Pot Pies, and A Dozen Burgers, And While You're At, Keep The Change, Wally. (spoken word)
19. Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch (So Bitchy)
20. Who Gives A Shit?
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 5:54 PM
Subject: Re: Scraping The Barrel for Morrissey Tracks
To: George Ford
Cc: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Brian Gebhardt
Just heard about this one...
1. It was O! So Strange When Those Aliens Recalibrated My Cerebral Reticulator (From A Space Lorry) Whilst Swimming With Cetaceans In The Caribbean, Leslie.
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 1:46 PM
Subject: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia's premier website, stonewashedchessking.com, is reporting that a Laserdisc only release is in store for Morrissey fans found in all countries that were once a Soviet Socialist Republic. Its content is a rare documentary filmed in late 2004 in which Moz is demoing an EP titled "Don't Throw Flowers, Just Send Money."
Tracklisting
1. Overdraughting on the First of the Month
2. Doctor, Doctor, I've Had A Recurring Dream In Which R. Kelly Is Urinating on My Soul
3. Johnny Marr Caught Syphilis, And Whilst Caring For Him I Developed Florence Nightingale Syndrome
4. A Concert for Bangladeath
5. Viagra For the Asexual Reproducer
6. What Do You Mean Contempt of Court?
That's all I've got for now...any scraps left?
Ian M
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 2:25 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis
Cc: Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
According to Taiwanese pop culture blog WantonWonton.com, there's a special 78 RPM record included with the Laserdisc. The bonus 10'', made of authentic 1930's heavy shellac, and consisting of poetry readings, studio chatter and Morrissey's band tuning their guitars, features:
1. Loafpincher
2. Luke Perry Fan Club
3. Wanker In a Tanker
4. Stuck In A Tanning Booth You Can't Get Out Of (feat. Bono)
5. Oh Blimey, We're Out of Non-Dairy Creamer
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
According to a gay-philanthropist friend of mine who lives in SoHo, the first single to be released from the album is "Martini In A Bikini, Sweetie" He said it was fabulous.
-Kevin
--------------
From: Brian Gebhardt
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2006 at 2:15 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis
Cc: Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
This is getting ridiculous. Apologies for any repeated themes...
From God's Brain to the Tip of My Calligraphic Pen
When You Spat In My Afternoon Tea
This Carpeting Must Go
Now My Heart Is Full, Like a Lorry Full of Mexicans
On Musical Crimes Perpetrated by J. Marr and Other Various Atrocities
Ballad of Frank the Tank
Reel Around the Garden Gnome
Say What You Will, But I Still Like Paisley
New Orleans, I've Cried for You
The Ventura Freeway at Rush Hour Can Eat a Big Fat Dick
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2006 at 6:08 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Brian Gebhardt
Cc: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
NASA has announced that Morrissey has recorded exclusive tracks for an unmanned Mars landing mission. The songs will be played one time only via loudspeaker across the Martian surface upon the craft's touchdown in 2009. The music will not be commercially available, and will be left behind on Mars upon completion of the mission in order to torture Morrissey fans & collectors.
Tracks are as follows:
1. Mars Is a Four Letter Word
2. I Have Forgiven Mark Hamill
3. In Space, No One Can Hear You Spill Your Latte
4. NASA = Need Another Successful Album
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Thu, Jan 26, 2006 at 5:39 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves
Phil,
I can't think of anymore fake tracks, but this set for the Mars Landing has made me spit my coffee all over my computer screen.
LMAO-ROF
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Fri, Jan 27, 2006 at 8:20 AM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves, Brian Gebhardt
Cc: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
This rare 5-song EP was produced specifically for a scheduled Moz appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2003. Sadly for fans of Oprah and the melancholy pop star, the appearance was abruptly canceled -- word had barely reached only a few of the most in-the-know fans -- after a bitter dispute between Morrissey and Oprah protege Dr. Phil.
Details are hazy, but it seems the argument stemmed from Moz's objection to a "surprise" segment planned for the show. According to unnamed sources at Harpo, Johnny Marr was to walk out onstage mid-show with Dr. Phil, who would then try to counsel a reconciliation between the former bandmates.
It isn't known how Morrissey found out about the planned segment, but when he did, according the same source, he "went apeshit. But a really weird, fruity kind of apeshit. He was yelling and screaming, but most of it was in Latin. Then he just stormed out of there."
Morrissey was hastily replaced by substitute guest Craig T. Nelson.
1. Oprah Knows I'm Miserable Now
2. I Have Forgiven Your Studio Audience
3. Stop Me if Your Book Club Has Read This One Before
4. Dial-A-Lifestyle-Makeover
5. Thunderthighs
-George
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Fri, Jan 27, 2006 at 12:16 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
AP Wire Services reports that former Smiths frontman and mope-rock icon Morrissey has died in Rome. Born Steven Patrick Morrissey, the Irish-bred, British-born 46-year-old singer had just completed work on another album, Ringleader of The Tormentors, due out in April. Morrissey is survived by his mother, father, sister and most assuredly, a cult of devoted fans around the world. He will be buried in the Oscar Wilde wing of Manchester, England's Ancoats Cemetery. His forthcoming tombstone reads as follows:
Steven Patrick Morrissey
22.5.1959 - 26.1.2006
Now My Grave Is Full
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Tue, Feb 3, 2009 at 10:23 AM
Subject: Morrissey! (again)
To: George Ford, Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes
Wait until you read the song titles on Morrissey's new album, "Years of Refusal" - they sound like the ones we made up!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
...and the CD/DVD bonus track is called...wait for it..."Wrestle with Russell."
(HUGE LOL!!!)
I think he really missed an opportunity on the original tunes he and I recently wrote together, such as:
"Sophisticated Bandits"
"Inebriated In Ibiza"
"Get Away From Me, Rodney"
"Nocturnal Omissions"
"Donna's Done it Again, Gerald"
"Shipwrecked on the Cape of Good Hope"
Phil
--------------
END
Rhymes with Chill Waves
Welcome to PhilMaves.com. Wow, what a clever name.
Despite the eponymous title, I'm not going to spend much time writing about my life, because frankly, any (and every) jackass over the last decade has done exactly that.
Instead, I'm going to look outward at music, sports, travel, pop culture, and my weird friends (don't worry, they're ok with it...so far). I will do my best to get out of the way, and let each piece do the talking. If we're lucky, something resembling entertainment may begin to take shape.
And hopefully, it won't end up looking and sounding like this (you may have to refresh once).
See you on the other side,
Phil
Despite the eponymous title, I'm not going to spend much time writing about my life, because frankly, any (and every) jackass over the last decade has done exactly that.
Instead, I'm going to look outward at music, sports, travel, pop culture, and my weird friends (don't worry, they're ok with it...so far). I will do my best to get out of the way, and let each piece do the talking. If we're lucky, something resembling entertainment may begin to take shape.
And hopefully, it won't end up looking and sounding like this (you may have to refresh once).
See you on the other side,
Phil
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