Uh oh.
Let me take you back to the beginning. In January 2006, Stereogum.com posted the tracklist for the then-forthcoming Morrissey album Years of Refusal, and invited readers to comment with their own fake Morrissey song titles.
Morrissey, as many music fans know, has a singular and memorable way of naming his songs, whether as the singer with The Smiths ("Barbarism Begins at Home;" "Frankly, Mr. Shankly") or as a solo artist ("We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful;" "I Have Forgiven Jesus"). The longer you listen, the easier it becomes (in theory, at least) to parody the man's approach to titles; the fun is in skating the line between knowing references to his work, and absurd self-unaware exaggeration.
Being a fan of Morrissey, The Smiths, and terrible jokes, I sensed an opportunity. I had good fun contributing my own affectionate parodies to the Stereogum thread; you can find my postings under the alias "Will E. Maykit". [2.]
But somehow, that wasn't enough. I decided to get 4 of my Moz-loving friends involved over email, and...well...things got out of hand.
The following is a complete, one-month-long (!) exchange of fake Morrissey song titles, albums, and EPs (with a final email written 3 years later, acting as a coda for the entire thread). How deep did we get? My fake "Stay Handsome" song title comes directly from a Moz quote at a December 1983 performance in Derby, UK (a bootleg DVD of this show fell into my hands during the twilight hours of the pre-YouTube era. Don't ask.).
We even waded into an ugly part of the mythology of Morrissey -- tabloid accusations of racism, usually based on hearsay and assumption, regarding statements he allegedly made about non-Whites in Britain. "Evidence" was everything from his brandishing a Union Jack at a 1992 Finsbury Park concert (the UK music press completely changed their tune a few years later, when they accepted and even championed the Spice Girls and Oasis doing nearly the same thing), to song titles like this. We pretty much said to ourselves, "What if Morrissey really were a racist asshole? What kind of lyrics would he write then?" Hence, some of the riskier titles you'll see below.
Again, I hope it's clear that we're fans of both Morrissey and The Smiths. I thought I should restate that before a more extreme gladioli-wielding member of the Moz faithful at True To You or Morrissey-Solo begins linking to this piece, with posts titled "The Blogger Who Must Be Killed" or "Stop Him If You Think You've Heard This One Before." (See? The parodies write themselves.)
A few things to consider before you dive into this rabbit hole:
- Yes, this nonsense was written by gainfully employed grown men in their late 20s. No, we didn't have problems attracting women.
- Yes, this really went on for an entire month. No, we were not recluses.
- Yes, we may have had brain damage. No, we may have had brain damage.
---
FOOTNOTES:
[1.] Incidentally, "takes," in this context, is a term that's frequently associated with The Jim Rome Show. For newcomers: it's a syndicated Los Angeles-based sports radio talk show, where the aforementioned host delivers a variety of thoughts and observations, or "takes," often in a sarcastic manner, and frequently peppered with comedic call-backs and references.
[2.] Will E. Maykit is a misspelled reference to a joke I read as a kid in the Think and Grin section of Boys' Life, a magazine for Boy Scouts. The joke went something like: "A Book Never Written: Race To The Outhouse, by Will E. Makit and Betty Wont." Am I getting obscure enough yet?
---
BEGIN THREAD
---
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 1:31 PM
Subject: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
Stereogum.com posted the tracklisting to the forthcoming Morrissey album this week, and urged readers to post their own fake Moz song titles. I posted a few, and with additions, here are my Fake Morrissey Song Titles. I was going for authenticity, stupidity and/or general over-the-topness.
Feel free to add your own! It's fun! (Helpful hint: mix it up between overly long titles, vague puns, alliteration, conversational phrases and extreme melodrama.) At the end, we'll vote for our favorites and maybe write a fake Moz tune!
-Laughter is One Letter From Slaughter (And Love Is A World Away)
-My Teachers Were My Torture
-Dying In A Lorry Would Be Better Than Working
-Foreman Grilled
-That Was Your Very Last Joke At My Expense
-Lovable Looters
-Dubya's Persian Abattoir
-I Know All The Greatest Obscure Footballers
-We're Waiting For Your Answer, Tony
-At Last The Old Shopkeepers Will Have Their Revenge
-I'm Not Sure I Like Your Face, Ramona
-Newsreader In Peril
-Andy, Johnny, and Mike, You Owe Me A Career
PCM
--------------
From: Brian Gebhardt
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 2:30 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
So, actually, Morrissey has TWO new albums coming out. Here's the tracklisting for his other new album Bastard and Burden:
01. Derelict In Love
02. Leave Me Alone You Bore Me to Death
03. Father Drove A Lorry
04. Venus of the Disco
05. Albatross In Flames
06. Venetian Holiday Gone Wrong
07. Patience Is A Virtue That I Lost Long Ago
08. I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight
09. Trapped In A Lift With You Is Heaven And Hell
10. Neighborhood Full Of Thieves
11. Who Will Save Me From Myself
12. Busy Signal From God
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 3:13 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Brian Gebhardt, Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes
Cc: Liz
Brian, I think someone is pulling your chain, because I have it on good authority that this is the real track list:
-George
01. Your Linoleum Floors Are Killing Me
02. Filthy Bangladeshi Grocer
03. Mother Incest
04. All Blokes From North Leeds Are Bastards
05. We Love It When the Napalm Falls Upon Our Enemies
06. Auntie, Won't You Knit Me a Sweater (In a Lorry That's on Fire)?
07. Wanker on Rollerskates
08. Bank-Bencher in Short Pants
09. Calamity Is a Word I Know Well, and So Is the Word Injustice, Which Is Also a Word That I Know Well, and So Is Visigoth, Too
10. Gluesniffer
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 4:30 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
Not so fast, you clever swine. I have it on good authority that Morrissey is also releasing a new EP to promote the tour that follows the album. Tracklist here:
1. How Many More Times Must You Smash My Heart In?
2. James Dean's Groin
3. If I Tell You, Then Surely I Shall Have To Kill You, Judy
4. The Morose Know The Most (Avalanches Remix)
PCM
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 4:46 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
And let's not forget the double A-side single he's releasing for Christmas:
A. Bologna Is Vile
AA. Muslim Mullets
PCM
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 6:15 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves
Cc: George Ford, Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Liz
This is what I found when I Google searched his new album. I found it on this link www.morriseyishugeineasttimor.com .
1. Kevin's Nose Or His Nimble Brow?
2. You've Got Michael Keaton And Tina Yothers On Your Side, I'll Have Gene Wilder On Mine
3. A Nail In The Coffin Is Too Much For Seth
4. Frankie Cocktail
5. Ubiquitous Ursula's Uvula
6. Her Dresser's A Liar
7. Using Pencils Is Very Much Akin To Digging Up Your Grandmother's Body And Skull-Fucking Her While Laughing And Eating Sheperd's Pie (In The Back Of A Lorry)
8. Pure Cane Sugar
[Ed. note: Where's #9?]
10. 'Twas Nothing, D'Artagnan
11. Gosh, I'm a Mite Peckish
12. Sincerely, Mrs. Grierly
13. Thither Go I
14. Salome Salami
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 6:40 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
My roommate Liz uncovered this bootleg, which I think was from the sessions to his unreleased album "I've Got a Match: The Queen's Bum, Disraeli's Face." Take it away, Liz:
1. All I Ever Learned from You Was How to Boil an Egg
2. Eggs Are Vile
3. To Be Back in Mummy's Tummy
4. Samson Has Gone Haywire (and Now He's on the Loose)
5. You Must Have Been a Beautiful Ovum, 'Cause Fetus, Look at You Now
6. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Johnny's Down the Well
7. Eunuch in a Tunic
8. If I Were a Savion Glover, I Would Soft-Shoe on Your Face
9. Tell Me Truly, Julie, Were You Always Such a Whore?
10. Some Albums Sell Better than Others
11. Don't Touch Me, Mrs. Happenstance, Or I Will Kill You Dead
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Sun, Jan 8, 2006 at 4:26 PM
Subject: Morrissey Album
To: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
Where are you guys getting your info from? I've got it on good authority (The Buffalo News' Gusto section) that Morrissey's New CD has the following titles...
1. Polari In A Lorry
2. Crimean Pornography Made For A Messy Boxing Day
3. Pakistanis Are Alive and Well in Los Angeles, and I've Found They're Called Mexicans
4. Pissing on Urinal Cakes is Murder
5. The Year NME Stopped Sending Me A Christmas Card
6. Last Night I Dreamt My Bank Statement Contained More Than Three Digits
7. Demanding Cats Can Be Spayed Only If The Price is Right
8. Sucking My Thumb Was the Heroin of My Youth
9. The Only Thing the Workers Have to Lose Is Their Chains! (An Ode to El Lissitzky)
10. The Flaming Hips (Remix by Ladytron)
11. (Hidden Track) The Whisper Song (Ying Yang Twins Cover)
The album drops this summer!!!!
Ian
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 11:45 AM
Subject: Scraping The Barrel for Morrissey Tracks
To: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
Bangers and Mash Your Face In: The Unreleased Morrissey Sessions
1. Stay Handsome
2. The Olde Grey Stool Sample
3. It's All Over For Dearest Uncle Ben & Kindly Aunt Jemima
4. The Wrestler's Wig
5. Please Please Please Let Me Get A New TiVo
6. Use of Unnecessary Violence Against Dan Aykroyd Has Been Approved
7. Gluesniffer (extended version)
8. Take Me In Your Lorry, Laurie
9. Your Lorry Just Bores Me
10. 50 Ways To Leave Your Lorry
11. The Lorry Song (instrumental)
12. We May As Well Be Phoning It In
13. The Boy With The Lint In His Pocket
14. It Was Miss Scarlet In The Library WIth The Lead Pipe
15. Kisses From A Leper
16. Paris Hilton Is Like A Boot Stamping On A Human Face Forever
17. David Bowie's New Album Is Murder
18. Yes, I'd Like Three Large Orders of BBQ Chicken Wings, A Steak Sandwich, Two Turkey Pot Pies, and A Dozen Burgers, And While You're At, Keep The Change, Wally. (spoken word)
19. Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch (So Bitchy)
20. Who Gives A Shit?
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 5:54 PM
Subject: Re: Scraping The Barrel for Morrissey Tracks
To: George Ford
Cc: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Brian Gebhardt
Just heard about this one...
1. It was O! So Strange When Those Aliens Recalibrated My Cerebral Reticulator (From A Space Lorry) Whilst Swimming With Cetaceans In The Caribbean, Leslie.
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 1:46 PM
Subject: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia's premier website, stonewashedchessking.com, is reporting that a Laserdisc only release is in store for Morrissey fans found in all countries that were once a Soviet Socialist Republic. Its content is a rare documentary filmed in late 2004 in which Moz is demoing an EP titled "Don't Throw Flowers, Just Send Money."
Tracklisting
1. Overdraughting on the First of the Month
2. Doctor, Doctor, I've Had A Recurring Dream In Which R. Kelly Is Urinating on My Soul
3. Johnny Marr Caught Syphilis, And Whilst Caring For Him I Developed Florence Nightingale Syndrome
4. A Concert for Bangladeath
5. Viagra For the Asexual Reproducer
6. What Do You Mean Contempt of Court?
That's all I've got for now...any scraps left?
Ian M
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 2:25 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis
Cc: Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
According to Taiwanese pop culture blog WantonWonton.com, there's a special 78 RPM record included with the Laserdisc. The bonus 10'', made of authentic 1930's heavy shellac, and consisting of poetry readings, studio chatter and Morrissey's band tuning their guitars, features:
1. Loafpincher
2. Luke Perry Fan Club
3. Wanker In a Tanker
4. Stuck In A Tanning Booth You Can't Get Out Of (feat. Bono)
5. Oh Blimey, We're Out of Non-Dairy Creamer
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
According to a gay-philanthropist friend of mine who lives in SoHo, the first single to be released from the album is "Martini In A Bikini, Sweetie" He said it was fabulous.
-Kevin
--------------
From: Brian Gebhardt
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2006 at 2:15 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis
Cc: Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
This is getting ridiculous. Apologies for any repeated themes...
From God's Brain to the Tip of My Calligraphic Pen
When You Spat In My Afternoon Tea
This Carpeting Must Go
Now My Heart Is Full, Like a Lorry Full of Mexicans
On Musical Crimes Perpetrated by J. Marr and Other Various Atrocities
Ballad of Frank the Tank
Reel Around the Garden Gnome
Say What You Will, But I Still Like Paisley
New Orleans, I've Cried for You
The Ventura Freeway at Rush Hour Can Eat a Big Fat Dick
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2006 at 6:08 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Brian Gebhardt
Cc: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
NASA has announced that Morrissey has recorded exclusive tracks for an unmanned Mars landing mission. The songs will be played one time only via loudspeaker across the Martian surface upon the craft's touchdown in 2009. The music will not be commercially available, and will be left behind on Mars upon completion of the mission in order to torture Morrissey fans & collectors.
Tracks are as follows:
1. Mars Is a Four Letter Word
2. I Have Forgiven Mark Hamill
3. In Space, No One Can Hear You Spill Your Latte
4. NASA = Need Another Successful Album
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Thu, Jan 26, 2006 at 5:39 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves
Phil,
I can't think of anymore fake tracks, but this set for the Mars Landing has made me spit my coffee all over my computer screen.
LMAO-ROF
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Fri, Jan 27, 2006 at 8:20 AM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves, Brian Gebhardt
Cc: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
This rare 5-song EP was produced specifically for a scheduled Moz appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2003. Sadly for fans of Oprah and the melancholy pop star, the appearance was abruptly canceled -- word had barely reached only a few of the most in-the-know fans -- after a bitter dispute between Morrissey and Oprah protege Dr. Phil.
Details are hazy, but it seems the argument stemmed from Moz's objection to a "surprise" segment planned for the show. According to unnamed sources at Harpo, Johnny Marr was to walk out onstage mid-show with Dr. Phil, who would then try to counsel a reconciliation between the former bandmates.
It isn't known how Morrissey found out about the planned segment, but when he did, according the same source, he "went apeshit. But a really weird, fruity kind of apeshit. He was yelling and screaming, but most of it was in Latin. Then he just stormed out of there."
Morrissey was hastily replaced by substitute guest Craig T. Nelson.
1. Oprah Knows I'm Miserable Now
2. I Have Forgiven Your Studio Audience
3. Stop Me if Your Book Club Has Read This One Before
4. Dial-A-Lifestyle-Makeover
5. Thunderthighs
-George
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Fri, Jan 27, 2006 at 12:16 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
AP Wire Services reports that former Smiths frontman and mope-rock icon Morrissey has died in Rome. Born Steven Patrick Morrissey, the Irish-bred, British-born 46-year-old singer had just completed work on another album, Ringleader of The Tormentors, due out in April. Morrissey is survived by his mother, father, sister and most assuredly, a cult of devoted fans around the world. He will be buried in the Oscar Wilde wing of Manchester, England's Ancoats Cemetery. His forthcoming tombstone reads as follows:
Steven Patrick Morrissey
22.5.1959 - 26.1.2006
Now My Grave Is Full
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Tue, Feb 3, 2009 at 10:23 AM
Subject: Morrissey! (again)
To: George Ford, Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes
Wait until you read the song titles on Morrissey's new album, "Years of Refusal" - they sound like the ones we made up!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Years_of_Refusal
...and the CD/DVD bonus track is called...wait for it..."Wrestle with Russell."
(HUGE LOL!!!)
I think he really missed an opportunity on the original tunes he and I recently wrote together, such as:
"Sophisticated Bandits"
"Inebriated In Ibiza"
"Get Away From Me, Rodney"
"Nocturnal Omissions"
"Donna's Done it Again, Gerald"
"Shipwrecked on the Cape of Good Hope"
Phil
--------------
END
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 1:31 PM
Subject: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
Stereogum.com posted the tracklisting to the forthcoming Morrissey album this week, and urged readers to post their own fake Moz song titles. I posted a few, and with additions, here are my Fake Morrissey Song Titles. I was going for authenticity, stupidity and/or general over-the-topness.
Feel free to add your own! It's fun! (Helpful hint: mix it up between overly long titles, vague puns, alliteration, conversational phrases and extreme melodrama.) At the end, we'll vote for our favorites and maybe write a fake Moz tune!
-Laughter is One Letter From Slaughter (And Love Is A World Away)
-My Teachers Were My Torture
-Dying In A Lorry Would Be Better Than Working
-Foreman Grilled
-That Was Your Very Last Joke At My Expense
-Lovable Looters
-Dubya's Persian Abattoir
-I Know All The Greatest Obscure Footballers
-We're Waiting For Your Answer, Tony
-At Last The Old Shopkeepers Will Have Their Revenge
-I'm Not Sure I Like Your Face, Ramona
-Newsreader In Peril
-Andy, Johnny, and Mike, You Owe Me A Career
PCM
--------------
From: Brian Gebhardt
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 2:30 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
So, actually, Morrissey has TWO new albums coming out. Here's the tracklisting for his other new album Bastard and Burden:
01. Derelict In Love
02. Leave Me Alone You Bore Me to Death
03. Father Drove A Lorry
04. Venus of the Disco
05. Albatross In Flames
06. Venetian Holiday Gone Wrong
07. Patience Is A Virtue That I Lost Long Ago
08. I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight
09. Trapped In A Lift With You Is Heaven And Hell
10. Neighborhood Full Of Thieves
11. Who Will Save Me From Myself
12. Busy Signal From God
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 3:13 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Brian Gebhardt, Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes
Cc: Liz
Brian, I think someone is pulling your chain, because I have it on good authority that this is the real track list:
-George
01. Your Linoleum Floors Are Killing Me
02. Filthy Bangladeshi Grocer
03. Mother Incest
04. All Blokes From North Leeds Are Bastards
05. We Love It When the Napalm Falls Upon Our Enemies
06. Auntie, Won't You Knit Me a Sweater (In a Lorry That's on Fire)?
07. Wanker on Rollerskates
08. Bank-Bencher in Short Pants
09. Calamity Is a Word I Know Well, and So Is the Word Injustice, Which Is Also a Word That I Know Well, and So Is Visigoth, Too
10. Gluesniffer
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 4:30 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
Not so fast, you clever swine. I have it on good authority that Morrissey is also releasing a new EP to promote the tour that follows the album. Tracklist here:
1. How Many More Times Must You Smash My Heart In?
2. James Dean's Groin
3. If I Tell You, Then Surely I Shall Have To Kill You, Judy
4. The Morose Know The Most (Avalanches Remix)
PCM
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 4:46 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
And let's not forget the double A-side single he's releasing for Christmas:
A. Bologna Is Vile
AA. Muslim Mullets
PCM
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 6:15 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves
Cc: George Ford, Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Liz
This is what I found when I Google searched his new album. I found it on this link www.morriseyishugeineasttimor.
1. Kevin's Nose Or His Nimble Brow?
2. You've Got Michael Keaton And Tina Yothers On Your Side, I'll Have Gene Wilder On Mine
3. A Nail In The Coffin Is Too Much For Seth
4. Frankie Cocktail
5. Ubiquitous Ursula's Uvula
6. Her Dresser's A Liar
7. Using Pencils Is Very Much Akin To Digging Up Your Grandmother's Body And Skull-Fucking Her While Laughing And Eating Sheperd's Pie (In The Back Of A Lorry)
8. Pure Cane Sugar
[Ed. note: Where's #9?]
10. 'Twas Nothing, D'Artagnan
11. Gosh, I'm a Mite Peckish
12. Sincerely, Mrs. Grierly
13. Thither Go I
14. Salome Salami
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2006 at 6:40 PM
Subject: Re: Fake Morrissey Song Titles Are The Only Reason I Continue To Exist
To: Phil Maves
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
My roommate Liz uncovered this bootleg, which I think was from the sessions to his unreleased album "I've Got a Match: The Queen's Bum, Disraeli's Face." Take it away, Liz:
1. All I Ever Learned from You Was How to Boil an Egg
2. Eggs Are Vile
3. To Be Back in Mummy's Tummy
4. Samson Has Gone Haywire (and Now He's on the Loose)
5. You Must Have Been a Beautiful Ovum, 'Cause Fetus, Look at You Now
6. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Johnny's Down the Well
7. Eunuch in a Tunic
8. If I Were a Savion Glover, I Would Soft-Shoe on Your Face
9. Tell Me Truly, Julie, Were You Always Such a Whore?
10. Some Albums Sell Better than Others
11. Don't Touch Me, Mrs. Happenstance, Or I Will Kill You Dead
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Sun, Jan 8, 2006 at 4:26 PM
Subject: Morrissey Album
To: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
Where are you guys getting your info from? I've got it on good authority (The Buffalo News' Gusto section) that Morrissey's New CD has the following titles...
1. Polari In A Lorry
2. Crimean Pornography Made For A Messy Boxing Day
3. Pakistanis Are Alive and Well in Los Angeles, and I've Found They're Called Mexicans
4. Pissing on Urinal Cakes is Murder
5. The Year NME Stopped Sending Me A Christmas Card
6. Last Night I Dreamt My Bank Statement Contained More Than Three Digits
7. Demanding Cats Can Be Spayed Only If The Price is Right
8. Sucking My Thumb Was the Heroin of My Youth
9. The Only Thing the Workers Have to Lose Is Their Chains! (An Ode to El Lissitzky)
10. The Flaming Hips (Remix by Ladytron)
11. (Hidden Track) The Whisper Song (Ying Yang Twins Cover)
The album drops this summer!!!!
Ian
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 11:45 AM
Subject: Scraping The Barrel for Morrissey Tracks
To: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
Bangers and Mash Your Face In: The Unreleased Morrissey Sessions
1. Stay Handsome
2. The Olde Grey Stool Sample
3. It's All Over For Dearest Uncle Ben & Kindly Aunt Jemima
4. The Wrestler's Wig
5. Please Please Please Let Me Get A New TiVo
6. Use of Unnecessary Violence Against Dan Aykroyd Has Been Approved
7. Gluesniffer (extended version)
8. Take Me In Your Lorry, Laurie
9. Your Lorry Just Bores Me
10. 50 Ways To Leave Your Lorry
11. The Lorry Song (instrumental)
12. We May As Well Be Phoning It In
13. The Boy With The Lint In His Pocket
14. It Was Miss Scarlet In The Library WIth The Lead Pipe
15. Kisses From A Leper
16. Paris Hilton Is Like A Boot Stamping On A Human Face Forever
17. David Bowie's New Album Is Murder
18. Yes, I'd Like Three Large Orders of BBQ Chicken Wings, A Steak Sandwich, Two Turkey Pot Pies, and A Dozen Burgers, And While You're At, Keep The Change, Wally. (spoken word)
19. Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch (So Bitchy)
20. Who Gives A Shit?
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 5:54 PM
Subject: Re: Scraping The Barrel for Morrissey Tracks
To: George Ford
Cc: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis, Brian Gebhardt
Just heard about this one...
1. It was O! So Strange When Those Aliens Recalibrated My Cerebral Reticulator (From A Space Lorry) Whilst Swimming With Cetaceans In The Caribbean, Leslie.
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Mon, Jan 9, 2006 at 1:46 PM
Subject: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia's premier website, stonewashedchessking.com, is reporting that a Laserdisc only release is in store for Morrissey fans found in all countries that were once a Soviet Socialist Republic. Its content is a rare documentary filmed in late 2004 in which Moz is demoing an EP titled "Don't Throw Flowers, Just Send Money."
Tracklisting
1. Overdraughting on the First of the Month
2. Doctor, Doctor, I've Had A Recurring Dream In Which R. Kelly Is Urinating on My Soul
3. Johnny Marr Caught Syphilis, And Whilst Caring For Him I Developed Florence Nightingale Syndrome
4. A Concert for Bangladeath
5. Viagra For the Asexual Reproducer
6. What Do You Mean Contempt of Court?
That's all I've got for now...any scraps left?
Ian M
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From: Phil Maves
Date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 2:25 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis
Cc: Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
According to Taiwanese pop culture blog WantonWonton.com, there's a special 78 RPM record included with the Laserdisc. The bonus 10'', made of authentic 1930's heavy shellac, and consisting of poetry readings, studio chatter and Morrissey's band tuning their guitars, features:
1. Loafpincher
2. Luke Perry Fan Club
3. Wanker In a Tanker
4. Stuck In A Tanning Booth You Can't Get Out Of (feat. Bono)
5. Oh Blimey, We're Out of Non-Dairy Creamer
--------------
From: Kevin Dedes
Date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 5:33 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Ian Maginnis
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
According to a gay-philanthropist friend of mine who lives in SoHo, the first single to be released from the album is "Martini In A Bikini, Sweetie" He said it was fabulous.
-Kevin
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From: Brian Gebhardt
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2006 at 2:15 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves, Ian Maginnis
Cc: Kevin Dedes, Brian Gebhardt, George Ford
This is getting ridiculous. Apologies for any repeated themes...
From God's Brain to the Tip of My Calligraphic Pen
When You Spat In My Afternoon Tea
This Carpeting Must Go
Now My Heart Is Full, Like a Lorry Full of Mexicans
On Musical Crimes Perpetrated by J. Marr and Other Various Atrocities
Ballad of Frank the Tank
Reel Around the Garden Gnome
Say What You Will, But I Still Like Paisley
New Orleans, I've Cried for You
The Ventura Freeway at Rush Hour Can Eat a Big Fat Dick
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2006 at 6:08 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Brian Gebhardt
Cc: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, George Ford
NASA has announced that Morrissey has recorded exclusive tracks for an unmanned Mars landing mission. The songs will be played one time only via loudspeaker across the Martian surface upon the craft's touchdown in 2009. The music will not be commercially available, and will be left behind on Mars upon completion of the mission in order to torture Morrissey fans & collectors.
Tracks are as follows:
1. Mars Is a Four Letter Word
2. I Have Forgiven Mark Hamill
3. In Space, No One Can Hear You Spill Your Latte
4. NASA = Need Another Successful Album
--------------
From: Ian Maginnis
Date: Thu, Jan 26, 2006 at 5:39 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves
Phil,
I can't think of anymore fake tracks, but this set for the Mars Landing has made me spit my coffee all over my computer screen.
LMAO-ROF
--------------
From: George Ford
Date: Fri, Jan 27, 2006 at 8:20 AM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: Phil Maves, Brian Gebhardt
Cc: Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
This rare 5-song EP was produced specifically for a scheduled Moz appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2003. Sadly for fans of Oprah and the melancholy pop star, the appearance was abruptly canceled -- word had barely reached only a few of the most in-the-know fans -- after a bitter dispute between Morrissey and Oprah protege Dr. Phil.
Details are hazy, but it seems the argument stemmed from Moz's objection to a "surprise" segment planned for the show. According to unnamed sources at Harpo, Johnny Marr was to walk out onstage mid-show with Dr. Phil, who would then try to counsel a reconciliation between the former bandmates.
It isn't known how Morrissey found out about the planned segment, but when he did, according the same source, he "went apeshit. But a really weird, fruity kind of apeshit. He was yelling and screaming, but most of it was in Latin. Then he just stormed out of there."
Morrissey was hastily replaced by substitute guest Craig T. Nelson.
1. Oprah Knows I'm Miserable Now
2. I Have Forgiven Your Studio Audience
3. Stop Me if Your Book Club Has Read This One Before
4. Dial-A-Lifestyle-Makeover
5. Thunderthighs
-George
--------------
From: Phil Maves
Date: Fri, Jan 27, 2006 at 12:16 PM
Subject: Re: You're Yanking My Chain?!?
To: George Ford
Cc: Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes, Liz
AP Wire Services reports that former Smiths frontman and mope-rock icon Morrissey has died in Rome. Born Steven Patrick Morrissey, the Irish-bred, British-born 46-year-old singer had just completed work on another album, Ringleader of The Tormentors, due out in April. Morrissey is survived by his mother, father, sister and most assuredly, a cult of devoted fans around the world. He will be buried in the Oscar Wilde wing of Manchester, England's Ancoats Cemetery. His forthcoming tombstone reads as follows:
Steven Patrick Morrissey
22.5.1959 - 26.1.2006
Now My Grave Is Full
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From: Phil Maves
Date: Tue, Feb 3, 2009 at 10:23 AM
Subject: Morrissey! (again)
To: George Ford, Brian Gebhardt, Ian Maginnis, Kevin Dedes
Wait until you read the song titles on Morrissey's new album, "Years of Refusal" - they sound like the ones we made up!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
...and the CD/DVD bonus track is called...wait for it..."Wrestle with Russell."
(HUGE LOL!!!)
I think he really missed an opportunity on the original tunes he and I recently wrote together, such as:
"Sophisticated Bandits"
"Inebriated In Ibiza"
"Get Away From Me, Rodney"
"Nocturnal Omissions"
"Donna's Done it Again, Gerald"
"Shipwrecked on the Cape of Good Hope"
Phil
--------------
END
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